Frustration with everybody and everything in life

So today after getting done at the gym, I went to a (different) local gym in the area that trains specifically martial arts. I've been wanting to get into martial arts for a while because it seems like it would be the natural progression after bodybuilding, so when I showed up they told me that the Muay Thai class would be starting in like 20 minutes. I bought some gloves on the spot, looked at a cheatsheet on the wall that tells you how to wrap your hands, and everything was cool. Until it wasn't. I've never fought or trained to fight in my life.

I don't even want to be typing this right now because I feel embarrassed, but I have to because there's no sense in ignoring it. The class was essentially introduction to stance, punching pads, and receiving punches while holding pads. There was probably more to the class, but I failed to stick around because about 40 minutes in I took off my gloves and said fuck it and went to the locker room to leave. The coach came in and had a talk with me about my frustration regarding not learning basics as fast as some other people learn them. The thing is when I'm doing artwork or bodybuilding (working out in the gym for the sake of building muscle and getting bigger), doesn't require other people to do them and I am a perfectionist when it comes to the "flow" of whatever I'm doing. This time with fighting while learning basics, I don't feel the flow at all and feel like I've been thrown into the deep end of a pool when I can't even stand in the shallow end. It's not that I can't take instruction, in retrospect it's probably because I hate the class format. There are other people in the class far more advanced than me at fighting, and it makes me feel like if I don't have the skill down as soon as I'm told what the skill is, then that means there's something in me that makes me inherently a failure.

So I got done with the conversation with the coach, left the gym mid-session, and went home and cried. See I told you it was gonna be embarrassing to say. I wasn't crying because I was frustrated with not picking up skills fast enough, I was crying because the act itself of going to a martial arts lesson and walking out revealed to me the inadequacies and frustration of other parts of my life; specifically that I feel like I have no friends (which isn't true, but what is true is that I don't really hang out with anyone at all), I'm addicted to bodybuilding and the optimization of health in an unhealthy way (who would've thought that was possible), I'm frustrated that collectors in the scene aren't noticing or bidding on any of my artworks (which in my honest and biased opinion are better than 99% of whatever bullshit is being bought on superrare these days), that curators ignore my emails, and that it feels like there's a missing component in my life that I can't recognize and that makes me feel like there's nothing worth looking forward to. Every day is wake up, coffee, eat, work out, eat, work on art, work on day job projects, eat again, watch some videos on the effect of different lifting techniques on hypertrophy, and then go to bed. That's all there is.

The missing link I thought, and probably is, martial arts. It's just for today, I feel like I'm in this alone and there's nobody here. Like this a vast empty room and the more I run for the doorway, the larger and darker the room gets. Which could be looked at as an analogy for suffering emerging from desire (a buddhist philosophy). I'm unsure if suffering actually does come from desire, but I can tell you this much: when I didn't desire anything and I was fat and ate like shit and had nothing going for me besides selling art on MakerPlace, yeah I sold a lot more art than I do now, but 1) the market was different then and 2) when lacking an initiative to reach the finality / singularity / truth of life (whatever that is), that did not make me suffer less, it made me suffer much more until I got off my ass. It's just this time it feels like I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum and feel the exact same way again.

There has to be more to life that I'm missing. I hate talking to people and as a result nobody talks to me. And then I complain nobody is around. Not sure what to do about that. Gonna end the message here here because there's nothing else to say.

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