him

the moment you realize that you’re on the wrong train be sure you get off at the next station! cause the longer you stay onboard knowing it’s going in the wrong direction, the further away from your destination you’ll be!
I’m not talking about trains!

So maybe I am not talking about trains either. I'm talking about someone.
I think there are moments when I realize that I am on the wrong train. I don't think it's healthy but I can't feel love without feeling shame.
Moments when I realize that my mind can't stop going back to him no matter how hard I try.
I've made lists about

Forever alternating between being in love, touching

It isn't satisfactory.

Everything I hate about you:

• Replies

I wrote this in April of sophomore year, as a poem:
LISA ZHENG, you’ll write in bold, MARCH 2023-MAY 2023; APRIL 2024
I’m but an experience to build up your relationship resume; bulleted below, in Times New Roman:

Because of u, im surprised when boys don’t talk about sex 24/7
When they don’t want to date right off the bat
How weird to think it was only one year ago when I told you
That was exactly what I wanted?
That was the most I’d ever want to touch someone
two weeks after april 23 you ask another girl out--ok, like none of us ever happened?
Would you say yes to anyone who asked you out?
Mediocrely
I loved you with my life and you loved me for my hands
Wanted a timeline to do things, said I was too slow
“Compatible?” “Y’all looking at star signs?” no, dumbass, I’m looking to see if

After 1.5 years torn away from you & fallen in love with the good-natured smirk and green sea-glass eyes of another boy and yet
Still feeling like i can never hand someone else those keys to my heart
You are the only one who can ever understand
I don’t know how to explain it;
The self-destructive thoughts
the time when I accidentally called the emergency number and our teacher asked if things was alright;
And nothing was, but I told her everything was;
But all I wished was
for a chance to tell someone that I fantasize too much of drifting as a fantasma behind your weeping faces seeing my death on the news, finally realizing the girl who you love for beautiful poems composed and flat bellies and thin legs and perfect A’s that you’ve basically taken for granted was too much for her to take
Without being told I was seeking attention
For a chance to tell someone that I find rarely happiness in its purest form--meaning, not for pleasing others

I wrote this to him after two weeks:

Dear Valerio,

I wanted to write one of these last year, but I didn’t, so now I will.

First of all I want to apologize for my parents and how absurd this situation is. Can you believe yesterday we were just sitting under the shade, your head on my backpack, me grinning at you uncontrollably, wishing I could hold you for ten minutes? How we could have had a high school rom-com but couldn’t due to logistical reasons. Honestly, I’m sorry I was your first love. I could have been a lot better. I’m sorry I’m always the one leaving, and drawing away.

I want to thank you for a lot of things. For trusting me to listen. I’ll always be here to listen if you need me. Maybe not every day, or every week, but if you need to have a serious talk, I’ll be open to.
For making all these memories with me. Ziplining, my birthday party, our lunches, skate night. Anytime and anywhere with you is a highlight of my life. I feel sad for not being able to make more, but I’m grateful for what we had. I’ll package it all into a little box and store it carefully away in my heart.

When I said “I wish I never met you”, I meant I didn’t want to impose pain on you like this. I didn’t want to break the heart of the person I loved the most.

But maybe think of it this way. If we continued, it wouldn’t have been fair for you. It would have been frustrating and fraught with settling for less. You wanted more than what we had. Not just you, but everybody would want a relationship that progresses. I don’t want you to do everything on my terms, always checking my availability and comfort. It should be equal. There should be no holding back.

Something else to note is: this would have happened sooner or later. If we kept it going, we would’ve had to separate eventually. Yeah, I know, we could have made more memories, but that might have made it hurt more to separate.

Lastly, I don’t want to hold you back. I trust that you’ll find somebody new. Somebody who’ll make you happier than you’d ever been with me. I’m only the beginning. (but hopefully i was someone special teehee)

But we had something going there, huh? I’ve loved you for over a year now, and these feelings don’t go away fast. So rest assured that I won’t stop loving you for quite a while, but I guess I’ll be loving you in secret. But don’t hold out for me and have hope that it’ll work out, because don’t expect my feelings to last forever. I don’t expect yours to, either.

Frankly, I’m not sure what we will be now. How close, at least.

Thanks for trusting me with your heart, and I’m sorry if I dropped it. I would have never wanted it to be this way.

I love you so much.

Maybe I’ll see you on the other side.
Lisa

P.S. here’s a pretty scuffed poem, but a poem nevertheless that I was working on the past few days

Not the exception
Charred sideburns and pasta curls for hair
The image I have of you in my mind is soft
Plushy hoodies, wispy hair, memory foam embraces
You say, the way you have with words is indeed enchanting
Only because I’m complimenting you

We aren’t the modern love story
Waiting room by phoebe bridgers as my courting
Your involuntary teardrops dampening my denim jeans
A hug for milliseconds, unfulfilled fantasizing
If we swerved off the Golden,
I would die a happy death knowing my last moment was with him

“I wanna be the power ballad that lifts you up and holds you down
I wanna be the broken love song that feeds your misery
And I can wish all that I want, but it won't bring us together
Plus, I know whatever happens to me, I know it's for the better”

Screaming in all caps that your smartass biology facts
Met my number top prerequisite for guys
Marry me, i say jokingly, you sure can cook
If my mom’s superstitions about genetics were true, then your children will have the looks
I know you know I know you know
We aren’t the exception, if we don’t take action
in a few years I’ll be joking
Do you remember that Italian guy I dated when I was sixteen?

I know you aren’t the one, but how could one just move along
When I’m so convinced our time together could be so long

I wrote this in the summer of freshman year, after we broke up the first time.
gettingoversomeone.exe

1. Abstract I have been crying for four days in a row, so I needed to find a productive, efficient way to get over you. (I kinda hate how these days I’m always referring to you as “you”, as if I’m talking to you and we’re still tangled in a relationship. Let’s quit the second person and switch to third.)

Dichotomic and Paradoxical Poetry
I can’t believe you exist. I’m still mesmerized in shock from that moment when the forced, struggling, confident “I”, “I”, “I” in my cerebrum became a strange, new “we”.
How are so many things Italian? Pesto pasta, lasagna, ravioli, Mussolini, leaders in my World History textbook…
Every time I drive by that gas station of your name without the i I almost laugh.
You’re still in my phone but I no longer FaceTime you or text you or send you memes or sing off-key to Taylor Swift over call. We’re like strangers with a wall. Remember Pyramus and Thisbe? If only there wasn’t a wall…
I miss the way he looked at me. The way he stopped looking at me that way. The way I started looking at him the same way he looked at me before he stopped looking at me that way.
I miss his three smiles. His grimacesmile whenever someone insults him. His bregrudgingsmile whenever someone compliments him in a backhandedway. His actual smilelaugh, when he’s actually happy: his eyes will squint and he’ll look a bit like Charlie, so carefree.
I miss his texts and I miss his goodbyes and I hate the way I treated him and I hate the way you lie
about how you’re fine because I know you’re not
and what you don’t know is that I’m not either
You were constant; I was wavering, fickle at first then fell right in. That’s why I told you I had those dreams where I was being bombed and I typed on a calculator telling you “I love you” before my inescapable forthcoming death and realizing fearfully that it was not a phone.
I wanted someone to tell my troubles to, and then realized your troubles were worse than mine.
You made me want to keep living. I never wanted to die, but you made living better. You made me have hope. Though at the same time made me lose a little of it.
I miss the little things ike your nonexistent fashion sense and your skinny arms and Lang Lang fingers and hugs I wish could last forever. The little things amount to something bigger. Something substantial.

I don’t like referring to you as my ex. Only if it’s used humorously. I feel like exes are often pronounced with resentment, but that’s far from anything I feel towards you right now. Sometimes, I must admit, I say I hate you, especially when you’re so damn good at tennis (and I’m not), but that either stems from me not liking myself, or attempting to mitigate the heartache I feel.
You might hate me in the future because I don’t think I gave you the best I could have. I was struggling to find the middle ground, the equilibrium, between our relationship and what might be good for my future.
You ruined my life. But it wasn’t your fault.
Most people only highlight or accentuate a part of me. But I told you almost everything about me: from achievements to awkward moments to familial and mental health struggles to failures. I wasn’t afraid of his judgment because he didn’t judge anything. He would give good comments--even if they sometimes didn’t help, it was assuring to know someone was there to help me. I didn’t even feel like there was a barrier between us because I was Chinese and he was white--which for some reason, I thought would be, but I’ve begun to realize more and more that race doesn’t matter at all when I talk to people anymore. It used to, but now it doesn’t. Not like people were racist, because we’ve gotten much better than that, but people would be awkward regarding my Chinese identity. For example, Kevin: um, so, how do you pronounce your Chinese name again? …Sorry. (Me: bruh.) He knew a lot about history, politics, and cultures, which is probably why he wasn’t afraid of making an offensive mistake. He is also friends with a lot of people so he knows many perspectives. It probably also helped that he was Italian and spoke Italian and was very Italian.

For the first time I felt like someone else understood all the parts of me, all at once. And was ok with it.

II. A list of everything I know about him
He really likes video games--especially Elden Ring, Destiny 2, Dark Souls and Sekiro--and will talk in elaborate detail about them. So be prepared. Or be a video game nerd as well.
He wants/ed to go into law and UC Berkeley
He has a fat cat named Ciccio who is very cute and purrs very loudly
He eats like a standard Italian: pasta (not for breakfast though), pizza (with NO pineapples), lasagna, meatballs, and vegan chicken
He is really into Japanese/Asian stuff, including its cuisine, and wants to visit Japan someday
He is very extroverted and out there
He will make sexual jokes with his guy friends, but if you don’t like them, he won’t make much.
He likes watching funny YouTube shorts (esp of comedians) and Tiktok compilations because he doesn’t have TikTok
He plays tennis pretty well and is really good at low groundstrokes, but will double-fault a lot in playing matches
He will cuss “FIRETRUCK!” and cuss a lot. But don’t we all?
Also he has a very extroverted and hyper side, he also has a quiet side that’s got a lot of emotions. Edit: He also has a very soft side that will care for you.
He is a very affectionate guy and will hug and hold your hand if you like. He also enjoys dates. Like going to nature.
He is very stubborn in the sense that he always has hope for the relationship
He has an intense fear of throwing up.
He is not judgmental. If he does judge something, he will have evidence to back it up
He can be quite eloquent and talkative in giving speeches about whatever he’s passionate about
He is not good at football. In general he is not a very masculine guy. He has more estrogen than me.
He plays the violin in orchestra but doesn’t know who Tchaikovsky is
He likes Star Wars and his phone case has a stormtrooper on it. Possibly the most important fact on here because he will be offended if you do not draw it accurately in a portraiture of him.
His celebrity crush is Emma Watson. Also a Harry Potter fan.
He does not listen to music except for video game soundtracks. So if you’re a huge music fanatic, uhhhhh……
He can scream so high pitched it’s like a bird

III. Philosophy

I broke up with you for a reason. That reason was: I didn’t want anyone holding me back during these developing teen years of my life; I didn’t want to care for another person; I needed to focus on myself and academics and my hobbies. All that sounds selfish, but it’s not, it’s for personal development.

Well, you can miss something you don’t want to have. Everything is going to be different from now on. I had never had a relationship end like this. I always preserved my relationships and nurtured them, never tried to take it away. I’ve said it’s okay to not know, but at a certain point, you’ve got to start figuring yourself out.

You’re only thinking about the things you’ve lost, not the things you’ll gain in the future.

IV. An Exhaustive Timeline
Before
Eighth grade - I barely knew him. Mrs. Hart shot a rubber band at him
An thought he liked me, but he liked Ryan Malm
October 15 - Homecoming. He asked if I liked anyone, I said no.
First OM meeting - he said something that made me laugh
Baking cookies - I went to his house
Holding hands for the first time - yeah that was weird.
Once after tennis - “high five or hug?”
January 2 - OM meeting. I rejected him.
January 19 - he told me about his living situation. He cried on call.
January 21 - I was at Yuqin’s. Called him for some reason
February 12 - He went to my concert with Sam.
February 13 - my dad hit my mom. The nadir - my dad hit my mom. I was going to call Valerio but I ended up calling Matthew and Tom instead

During
February 17/18 - Heart kiwi. I asked him what it was about and he dodged the topic, but we ended up starting a relationship. I don’t know what I was thinking.
February 21 - OM meeting. The team knows we’re dating.
February 22 - we talk about college.
February 23 - it was snowing(!) in Santa Rosa. He said it was romantic and I was like, uhhhhh
February 26 - Skate night - our first “date”
March 3-5. Jesus this was a rough time. Shooting/stabbing at school. He comforted me during OM. We held hands during the walkout. He said “I love you so much” before the lockdown.
March 9 - The little note. He said he had a gift and he gave me this note that said “Love you”. Matthew didn’t seem impressed when I showed him it in math class (eye roll).
March 17 - St. Patrick’s Day. I had green lipstick on my cheek and he wanted to brush it off during tennis. I said no.
March 17-28 Spring Break. We had “broken up”. He talked about wanting to commit suicide because of his mom. I was hella worried. Matthew kissed me on the head and I wanted to die.
March 25 - OM state competition. We kinda made up. He lost the shirt I worked so hard on and I was hella pissed, but then I was okay.
April 2 - we discuss trump and florida gay laws and income gap
April 11 - my birthday. He didn’t give me anything, not that I needed it, but he said “happy birthday” like 3 times. We had a little birthday party in Ms. Wolper’s room. Matthew gave me a note and Beatrice said, “Matthew’s stealing your girl!”
Wayfinder - I said I didn’t have time to date; he thought I was lying. We made up afterwards in Wayfinder.
Gwen’s theme - I played in Ajay’s house and in the band room
English - throughout these months, he’d visit me in English
P.E. - he’d walk with me and Lilly to P.E. while he went to Science
The theater - Joey was playing. We held hands and then I felt like I was in a musical
Once in tennis - he hugged me after
The call before my math final
The next day - he was crying, and I held his hand while he did
“Are you sure they’re not dating?” - I hugged him out of instinct
The mile - he ran hella fast and then thought he would throw up. I went with him to the office and then visited him during break
He wore my puffy jacket.
He talked about going to MathCounts party, but he didn’t.
He brushed my hair away from my mouth and suggested I use chapstick
May 2 - Amnesty election, the same day he kissed Henry Gillespie, I was kinda pissed, but… I don’t know, man. He’s still proud of it for some reason.
May 9 - I went to Austin Creek with him for Easter
The carnival - we went on the King of the Hill together. Then I was so happy and carefree I hugged him. We ate lunch together and I did his math homework speedily.
The band room - I was going to go to his Advo, but I couldn’t. We were gonna go to the band room, but we didn’t.
I thought about going to Hoco with him.
May 30 - I formally broke up with him.
May 31, June 1, June 2 - we didn’t talk as much and I was okay with it. On the last day of school, we hugged after Humanities.

After
June 14 - I called him on his birthday. God, how I missed him then
July - I called him for three hours while I was painting.
August something - I called him in San Jose. We talked about English
August 16 - first day of school. Found out we had English together.
August 17 - this freshman said that the way he regarded me seemed like he had a crush on me. MAN! THAT WAS AWKWARD.
August 18 - I missed him a hella ton. I said “do you remember when you always said ‘how are you’?”
August 20 - he sends me “The Scientist” by Coldplay. I overthink and start writing this. He asks me if I could talk to him at lunch the next day. Brings up my Insta. I tell him i wrote my Chinese essay about him
August 21 - We talk about his mother and his video game addiction. This other freshman (GOD! FRESHMEN ARE SO ANNOYING) kept saying I had “W Rizz” and I bet Matthew thought we were discussing our relationship.
August 25 - he gives his I believe speech and I almost cry. He invites me his band concert but I have to drive two hours to take the SAT. I tell Matthew that I miss him, but I don’t like him anymore. At this point, I start to like Zach.
August 31 - Feeling truly like I don’t care about him anymore. We talk about Yuqin and Max, and I jokingly tell him to ask a guy out for Hoco.