madebymoir

@madebymoir

Just a gal writing about the weird crap that comes to her mind.

708 words

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No Control. No Patience.

I'm trying to re-invegerate my brain to think about things that are actually worthwhile spending time on. My brain tends to jump from stupid thing to stupid thing. Obsessing about far to much along the way.

I drive myself insane. I'm sure I drive my best friend insane by repeating the same actions again and again even with their constant advice not to do it.

I have no ability to control myself. In any way. Food. Clothes. People. If I want something – I want it now and I can't really feel rested until I have it. Absolutely no control and no patience.

Having a broken leg the last 3 months has really tested that. I've had to wait for things. I've had to actively find new activities that could be done on the couch. This was not a simple task because my brain is always there, always active and not really that tired when you're doing nothing all day.

Lot's of time to ponder things. This is not good for me most of the time. I obsess. I create problems that don't really exist.

I'm lucky enough that I'm walking again, and rehab is going well. The thing I've noticed now things are back to 'normal' is some similar themes about what I'm doing with my lfie coming to mind.

These haven't really been that apparent when I was crutches. They took a back seat. The small things were what mattered. People, freedom, drawing. The things I couldn't physically were the things I missed the most. Taking photos. Discovering cute buildings. These were the things that I was aching to do.

Have I done much of that since I've been able to walk again? Not a huge amount. Granted, we have moved house and there's been a fair amount of shit going on with the social enterprise we're starting. But it's so easy for those things that really felt like they could make me happy when I couldn't walk, to slip away in the day to day grind.

I don't want to forget those things. I want to build them into my day to day life. Make them habits. Make them moments I can use to recharge.

I need to take the time to remember them before they are gone forever and it takes me breaking my other leg to actually find them again.

Tired + delirious

Delirious kind of feels like 'delicious' when being typed out. This is mainly because I had no idea how to spell delirious. This could potentially be because my brain has decided it is in shut down mode.

I am unsure if this sudden decision to close up shop for the day was because I didn't have my 3PM coffee, or because it's just not getting enough sleep. It's hard to say.

Today is a Tuesday. It feels like the week could drag on forever, yet the days are going relatively quickly. It's easy to get caught up in thinking that old saying 'if you find something you love then you won't work a day in your life.'

I thought I had. I don't dislike it, but it is still work. The day to day I think is where it feels like work. Not the actual outputs or the thinking behind it. I enjoy that. I thrive off being good at that.

The 9 – 5 grind is the killer. Especially now it's coming into winter and you barely see daylight except when you're sitting in your desk – inside.

I remember how low I felt at the end of last winter. I'm trying to work out ways to prevent that from happening. Growing up in Brisbane, winter was just something cute where you could wear a cardigan for a few months. The winter slump / winter depression was not a thing.

Melbourne – you make it a real thing. Winter makes me want to move back home, even though I actually love everything about it. The cold air on my skin. Jumpers. Scarves.

Why is life so conflicting. Why can't live just be perfect? Oh, right... because then it would be boring as shit and everyone would be the same and never have any issues and we'd never have anything to bitch about. What. A. Shame.