November 11, 2021•834 words
This is going to be a double-post; it's actually going to go on my for-real blog. But instead I'll just write a draft here, instead of writing a draft on Google Keep, which is the worst process for writing. Actually, I have come round to realize that most of my processes aren't very good. Actually, I've come to feel pretty ineffectual at life recently, and it's hard to label what it is that makes me feel like I've done such a bad job at life lately.
I will try to enumerate, before diving into the blog content:
- I'm very bad at keeping up on the internet. Or on movies. Or anything related to modern culture. How do people find memes?
- I am not sure how to do Instagram stories. Nor do I really know when something should be an instagram story vs a snapchat. Vs. When do people just take pictures any more? Do I save them? Do people make scrapbooks? What if I'm old and want to look at my photos and they've disappeared into the ether? How does one make a tiktok? Why would I?
- I can't seem to manage the intake of media... How do people manage to keep up on their slack, instagram, text messages (across far too many platforms... GroupMe, Whatsapp, Signal, etc. etc)
- Where do I get my news? What news is even valuable anymore?
Man. I just feel like I'm losing my edge. I'm getting dumber. I just feel like I'm context switching 24/7 and I get in trouble when I try to stop. "Be more available on slack" they say. "Respond faster to PRs" they insist. How am I supposed to DO anything? To THINK about anything?
Maybe I'm just slow. Maybe I just need more time to read, time to think, more time to let things simmer. I simply have trouble just digesting as much as I feel like I'm supposed to digest. How can I spend time learning new things I can barely keep up reading articles people are sending me?
It's like I've forgotten how to have curiosity for the right reasons. Or maybe how to be curious? I spend a lot of time wondering if I'm asking a stupid question. I spend a lot of time worrying that someone will have already answered the question and I missed it because my brain was scattered elsewhere. I wonder if I have adult ADHD. I wonder if I have something else slowly getting unscrewed in my brain.
I'm sponsored! Woot! Man this feels uninspired as I type it but I have a caffeine headache and they say that the first thing to do to get better at writing is just to write. So, here we go:
Gosh this is going poorly. I guess this is why we write drafts.
- I got up the nerve to ask! Because a lot of people told me that I'm good enough, and I'm glad I listened.
- SD girl squad
- Eric belly teammate
- Why is that notable? Because I didn't have the nerve before.
- Why didn't I have the nerve before?
- I spent a lot of time thinking I wasn't qualified to be sponsored. That you have to have world records. That you have to win Open class at Nationals. That you have to run camps and be tunnel coach and have a cult following.
- Why? Because I was dating a guy for a long time to made it clear to me that I wasn't good enough
- Made it clear I wasn't impactful enough. Made it clear that I wasn't a very good freeflyer. Made it very clear that my efforts to build a belly community in CO or to pursue belly at a high level were not worthy, were not impressive, were not even worthy of much respect.
- Why did I date him for a while? Well. Idk. I lost my brain during covid I guess.
Here's the thing: You are good enough. You are worthwhile. You should work hard and dive into the thing you're into, whether that's competitive belly, freefly records, or trying to eat a donut in freefall. Do it, believe in it, and surround yourself with people who support you and see you for the amazing person you are.
So what now?!
- I am still figuring it out
- I feel like like I've been lost after COVID with changing disciplines and the move
- Untethered to a DZ (but would like to be a bit more tethered to a DZ)
- Hard to be tethered to a DZ with so much going on
- Hard to be tethered to a DZ with so many good ones around
- Want to support women in the sport
- Want to support competition
- Want to share what I've learned
- Feel a bit of saturated market feels
- Want to maybe get involved in USPA?