things I think about #100days
807 words

003 - Not good enough

I didn't get the job.
It's been a while since I've been this sad. I'm a perfectionist in the way that I expect myself to be perfect. I set impossible standards for myself and nothing I ever do is enough. So when I put my everything into a job application and I don't get it I hate myself. I hate myself for being the shittiest designer on this planet, for never being good enough at anything I do and for even trying to do something when I knew I wouldn't get it because I'm literal shit.
Right now when I'm writing this I find these thoughts somewhat amusing. Of course I know none of that is true, and I know I'm good at what I do. But in the moment when I'm harbouring all these negative thoughts I can't let go, and I can't see the truth. I hate that I can't be more confident in myself and my work. I know that if I was, I would succeed so much faster.
But anyways. That's what the last couple of days have been like. A deep dark hole of self-hatred.
However, the rejection has once again filled me with new energy to learn new things on my own and take charge of my portfolio. One day I will show everyone who's ever rejected me just what they missed out on.

002 - Waiting

I'm waiting to hear back from a job I applied to recently. I've been wanting to switch workplaces for a while now. Well longer than a while really. From the beginning, at my current workplace, I always felt like I didn't fit in. I even remember saying that I won't take a job there after my internship even if they offer it to me because I felt like an outsider. Yet here we are two years and one promotion later, still churning away at the same place. I can't be too irritated with myself for this, my current employer has taught me so much. Two years working here has given me the experience I would get by working 4 years somewhere else. I've learned so much not only technical things about my craft but also about myself, like the fact that I can't work at a place thats values don't match my own. These are things you don't really think about when you're young and out of school. I needed a job and I got a job, a really good one that many people in my position would die for. But the shoe didn't fit. A company that values winning and toxic macho culture more than they value the wellbeing of their employees, is not a place I want to be at. And I should have known from the very beginning that my gut feeling telling me that I don't belong here was right. If it's not meant to be it's not meant to be, and that is completely fine. So basically what I'm saying is - trust your gut.

I work as a designer at one the number one marketing agency in my country. I feel guilty for wanting something else when I'm so blessed to have a full-time job straight out of school, and not only a job anywhere but at a really sought after agency. But I'm really trying to make myself realize that it's okay to want more. It's okay to want something else and something that fits me better. That does not make me weak or bad at what I do, it probably makes me even better.

Also I need to sometimes remember that I am only 23 years old and need to chill the fuck out every once in a while. But I'm a very anxious and ambitious person and sometimes my thoughts can get away from me and I start stressing about life and wondering if I'll ever amount to something. But then again who doesn't do that from time to time.

001 - Hello World

Today I found myself wishing I had somewhere to pour out all my thoughts. Pen and paper just wasn't doing it anymore and for some reason I feel the need to express myself on the internet for everyone or no one to see. I'm quite convinced this has something to do with my millennial genes.

I stumbled upon Listed and found the idea of complete anonymity intriguing. The more I browsed I came across multiple blogs doing the "100 Day writing challenge", even more intrigued I decided to do it myself.

So here we are. I love to write, just to get all my thoughts and feelings out of my head and into written words. Most of the time I really do not have something specific to say but still I want to write and this is why Listed and the 100 day writing challenge seemed absolutely perfect.