003 - Not good enough

I didn't get the job.
It's been a while since I've been this sad. I'm a perfectionist in the way that I expect myself to be perfect. I set impossible standards for myself and nothing I ever do is enough. So when I put my everything into a job application and I don't get it I hate myself. I hate myself for being the shittiest designer on this planet, for never being good enough at anything I do and for even trying to do something when I knew I wouldn't get it because I'm literal shit.
Right now when I'm writing this I find these thoughts somewhat amusing. Of course I know none of that is true, and I know I'm good at what I do. But in the moment when I'm harbouring all these negative thoughts I can't let go, and I can't see the truth. I hate that I can't be more confident in myself and my work. I know that if I was, I would succeed so much faster.
But anyways. That's what the last couple of days have been like. A deep dark hole of self-hatred.
However, the rejection has once again filled me with new energy to learn new things on my own and take charge of my portfolio. One day I will show everyone who's ever rejected me just what they missed out on.


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