searching for meaning
1519 words


I'm feeling good.
Better than usually – much better even.
Just siting her, enjoying the music, vibing.
Life could stay like this forever.
I honestly hope it does.
Not now though, no, tomorrow is another day. I need to perform at my best, for that I need sleep.
After that though.. maybe then I'll be able to just sit there. Enjoy the music. Vibe.

These are the moments I keep living for.



Every morning I crave it.
Every evening I prolong it.
That’s just the way it is.

Every time I wake up, I’m determined to change.
Every time I'm about to go to sleep, I deny my new found determination.
I guess, that is just the way it is.

My conscious self-control is much weaker,
that the control my subconscious holds.
I enjoy the feeling of "now being willing to change",
but I think I can easily live without paying for it.

(Un)fortunately, this is not the way life works:
Everything usually has its price, and there are only few way around paying it.

If we play by its rules, and are willing to pay what we are meant to pay,
life might actually go well. If we however decide, that we won't, we'll have to pay back in interest.


life isn't something you want to have debts with.

this is just a very short, and pretty bad story. It's sole purpose is to have something to write, so that I do not loose my writing streak. Nothing glorious, just a short write down of more or less interesting thoughts.


Ideology is what people turn to, when searching for meaning.

This phenomenon can be observed when looking at an example like Humanism. The death of christianity lead to a vast increase in meaninglessness. People felt like christianity wasn‘t able to fulfill their need for meaning anymore, so they looked for something new. Humanism was what they were looking for: they found meaning in its different interpretations, such as socialism or liberalism.

For one ideology to rise, another must fall.

This is a fundamental rule society functions by. We shouldn‘t forget though, that the rise of another ideology is not optional. A lack of meaning is — for whole societies and cultures — extremely unstable and can not persist for long.

Currently it seems that humanism is quite stable. There are conflicts, sure, but they consist within the humanistic framework. Most wars are fought between liberalism and socialism, not between humanism and islam (that is at least in our western world, which as it seems is also the future of all other cultures on our planet).

Ideologies are usually unstable at first. However as they spread more and more, they tend to get extremely stable. Looking at christianity we can see that even though it caused (or at least allowed) many societal problems, it could easily persist for thousands of years.

For a society to change their ideology there needs to be pressure. Small conflicts (e.g. wars, expropriation, injustice, etc.) can then act as a capacitor for the change to occur.

On forcing creativity

"Today I will write something.", is what I said before sitting down on my PC. I turned it on, and waited for the screen to light up.

During this, a thought slowly crept into my head.

The loading screen passed, and my PC asked me to enter my password. So I did.

I tried to ignore it, but with every second that I kept on looking at the screen, it came closer and closer and closer.

My desktop was ready, so I moved my mouse over to my preferred writing tool.

This idea, it kept on coming closer. – I once again tried to ignore it, but its presence was undeniable.

I clicked the application, which tried to hide itself under my tiny cursor.

This was the moment in which I realized what was clear long ago.

The window opened.

Breathing in, breathing out.

I clicked on the small "+"-icon which created a new, blank file.

I didn't know where to start

I sat there for a second.

I didn't know what to do.

The awkward silence between my keyboard and my fingers, made clear what was clear already.

I didn't know what to write.

The problem with starting

The problem with starting.

Whenever I try to start something – like whatever this is – I feel the need to wait for the "close to perfect idea". When I find something I consider a close to perfect idea, I might decide to sit down – just to realize that I need a close to perfect beginning.

So this is what I am doing right now: sitting here, writing about how I try to write – and how I fail with it.

It's seems quite sad, that this is the best I could come up with. My creativity at its peak. amazing.

Still, I probably should be proud of myself for even writing this much. Two days ago I found this app and thought "wow that sounds amazing, if I download this App, I might finally start writing again". Well, as you see, I downloaded it. Just to wait for two days, before even starting to write something ("something" being this little piece of work). Impressive Noah. Really impressive.

This attitude of not doing things I know I should do really annoys me about myself.

I've tried starting to meditate regularly at least five times. Five bloody times. But still, to this day, I haven't even come close to making this a habit of myself. I always find some kind of excuse. There's always something.

"oh it's already late", "hm I need to do this first",
"let's just finish this video, and then I'll start with it",
"you're too tired, if you'd start right now you'll just fall asleep".

There I am again, trying to start a habit of writing. Will I succeed or will I fail?
– I know already.

This attitude of bringing self-fullfilling prophecies over myself really annoys me about myself.

I think somewhere deep down I am convinced that I am a looser. I mean, I probably am. When I was young, everyone always thought of me, as some kind of "smart kid". Everyone always thought I'd be some kind of perfect student.

No one ever taught me, how to be self-disciplined. Why? Cause honestly, I didn't need it. at first. School was easy, so I never had to learn much. Now I'm starting to see how hard some subjects can be. I'm starting to feel my limits. I haven't reached them yet, but this is – in regards to school – one of the first times, when I realize "wow, I don't think I get it".

I think our societies glorification of intelligence is something both quite problematic. The really "succesful" people, surely, aren't stupid – Though, in my opinion, their main advantage isn't understanding something fast, but instead it is them being able to just do something.

They don't wait three days to write a half decent inner monologue.

They don't fail five time trying to learn a sort of useful habit.

And they certainly, don't spend all their time doing what I do.

No. They are just somehow able to sit down and say "Seems like I'll write a bit today", and then – then they do it. As simple as that.

I'm absolutely convinced that this ability is far more useful than what is commonly referred to as "intelligence", especially given that many "intelligent" people probably fall into this hole of lack of self-motivation.

Funny, isn't it? I just realized that I, more or less unintentional, called myself intelligent. It is a last, desperate attempt of my subconscious to justify self-worth.

Something quite pathetic, I'd say.

Well. It doesn't matter really, does it? In the end we're all equal. The intelligent people aren't intrinsically worth more than anyone else. Neither are the discplined. We're all on the same ball of stone and dirt, flying through endless space, thinking we're special.

Funny isn't it? We try creating classes, hiearchies, order. It is a last, desperate attempt of us, trying to justify some sort of value or worth, we think we deserve.

Something quite heroic, surely.
A fight against meaninglessness, against nihilism. The greatest war of all and we're part of it. Proud warriors, holding up the proof we found. "Which proof you ask?" – the greatest proof. The one justifying all of it. The final one even.

"What is it, though?", you ask. That is a question I cannot answer, for the number of names it has, is infinte.
Some call it money, capital, or success.
Others prefer to сall it by different names: Power, influence, or authority, they say.
We shouldn't forget the last group, the one thinking of themselves as the smartest. They think love, happiness, or joy are what justifies our hunger for meaning.

It is quite ridiculous sometimes. Everyone tries to justify it, but we don't realize who we're justifying it from: Ourselves.

We're are the only the ones that care. The only that ever cared. that ever will care.