It's been awhile

I haven't written anything for here in almost a year. I changed jobs since my last post. More income and a location change hoping things would become more stable, easier.

I am sitting here listening to music, probably too loudly, through my headphones while I watch the light next to me flicker. There isn't a storm raging outside. It is sunny with a bit of a breeze. The infrastructure in the area is just so old/poorly maintained that any strong wind will create this effect. Not just my building by the whole, interconnected area. One strong wind could knock it all out but who knows when that will happen.

As a biologist, I see things interconnected, like a web. Not just the food webs but in general. Everything is connected. Sever a connection and it could cause collapse or a shift. Adaptations or extinctions occur when these breaks happen. It is also possible nothing happens. In a bigger picture, these breaks might go unnoticed. How many species have come and gone unnoticed?

Personally, I am watching some of these connections, threads, of my life unravel in slow motion. One thread I would do anything to strengthen and maintain but I don't know what else I can do. There is a feeling of helplessness that I can't show the other side what I see. I can't change the other side because I only have control of myself. How can one side show the reality of a situation when the other side is seeing it differently? Stubbornness is a double edge sword, has benefits but can be detrimental at times, too. This would be a break I don't think I can bear.

Another thread, turns out I had no idea the true nature of it. This second one, discovering lies and dishonesty endured for a lifetime changed the entire perception of my life. Things I thought were real, weren't. Hiding things that make no sense to hide. Reflecting on how scenarios played out in the past with a clearer lens add a layer of anger and hurt. I have never really felt a level of anger and resentment as I do right now. I have worked hard to let the wrongs of my past go. There is no benefit ruminating on the past that cannot be changed. This one, it going to take a long time to process and layers keep getting added.

As I watch this light flicker, I wonder how long before the infrastructure breaks. How long before one of my threads breaks? How long before I break? Will I be able to pick up the pieces and put things back together? Will it be irreparable? Will it matter in the grand scheme of existence?

What do they say, you can't control things only the way you react to them? Something like that. This will have to be my mantra going forward.

I'll continue to ponder my existence while I listen to music and watch my lights flicker. Try not to let the knowledge of the smallness of my own existence get the better of me. Sagan's "pale blue dot" sinks in at random times. I can see why people turn to religion, makes it so much easier to deal with some of these emotions/situations when you can just blame it on a higher power.

Next post will, hopefully, be a little lighter.

Current mood: #existencialweasel