self-reflection.

Friends.
I don't believe that a best friend is always one person; or any number of people. You cannot expect one person, one friend, to be everything you need them to be. People will have best friends in all kinds of different ways. Maybe one of my friends is the best at being funny, maybe another is always supportive. My best friend is anyone I've ever met, and everyone I've ever thought twice of.

What do you love?
The smell of the grass on a hot summer day just before it turns to hay. The laughs of friends just after a joke when none of you can quite catch your breath. The motion on a roller coaster as it slows to a halt and your heart is still in your head. The wind in your hair during a long car drive. Feeling carefree. Going to the movies and just getting lost in the film. Going out to the creek by your house in the fanciest outfit you own and not getting upset when it gets dirty. Finally sleeping in a real bed after a long vacation. When you drink soup or hot chocolate and your stomach gets all warm. Being a teenager and having the freedom to hang out, and just be.

What are you afraid of?
Shivering after a semi-truck passes by while you're driving. Getting a call from someone you know really late at night. A parent calling you into their room with that signature 'disappointed' voice. Was that a firework or a gunshot? A sick pet. Complete silence when there really shouldn't be any...oh my god, where is everyone? Empty parking lots late at night. "We need to talk." Confined spaces with locked doors. "Is this the right way..?"

Home.
I always want to go home. Less often than that, I want to go to my house. I don't have a location in mind when I say "home". I believe home is an abstract idea, formed by books and the media. I imagine a house similar to my dads. Small, organized, full of meaningful art. I imagine there's tea boiling on the stove, my life partner is on the couch, picking a movie to watch. I am simple, life is easy, and I am home.

Manifesting.
I am 18. I've just started college, and I know what I want to be. I live in a small dorm with 4 of my roommates. It's not perfect, life isn't easy, but i'm adjusting, and I know this is a new beginning. I'm reading, I've found sustainable hobbies, and I'm organized. I'm happy. I'm swimming in an open ocean, no people in sight. It's cold, it looks like it might rain? I listen to Scandinavian metal because even though I can't understand their language, I understand the music. I understand the rage, the frustration, the anguish. My friends are funny and they can't quite take me seriously. I don't want them to, anyways.

Hobbies.
I have an odd thing with hobbies. Even hobbies I've held onto have started to fade recently. I no longer strive to read everyday; I nearly have to force myself to turn a page. I no longer make bracelets; I wear the ones I have. I no longer itch to draw; I simply scribble when I'm given a pencil. From this constant switching of hobbies, I've learned something. When I begin to feel a hobby leave, I panic. I buy things that I hope will make me want to do something.

Quirks.
I mess with my hair a lot, brushing it out with my fingers, twirling it. I fidget pencils and spin them, but I'm not particularly great at it. If you're sat next to me i'm certain I'll drive you insane with the sound of pens hitting tables. I always get four of anything, when given the option. I place food in the middle of tables, so anybody can take what they want, and I silently judge people who insist on never sharing food.