The Tipping Point

I haven't written down anything in the past 3 days. I have lost track of my mojo. I am not inspired to write down my thoughts. Yet, I have made myself busy writing poems - of the pain, of the affection, and of death itself.

I went to Tagum last Saturday seeking solace, yet the Lord presented me with a wedding. That Tagum experience was something I did not expect. Why would the Lord meet me all the way there just to see the very thing that will no longer happen? Honestly speaking, I had an argument with the Lord in the adoration chapel that day. I asked him why make me go all the way here to see this. While I was listening to the wedding march, the Lord and I were fighting. I was muttering in angst and disbelief.

I calmed down when the Gospel was about to be read. It was taken from the Gospel of John, Chapter 15.

7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you.
9 As the Father loves me, so I also love you. Remain in my love.
10 If you keep my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and remain in his love.
11 “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.
12 This is my commandment: love one another as I love you."

The tears then fell... The pain was excruciating. I was sobbing like a kid. It was a humbling experience. After that, I met up with another classmate and talked about what just happened.

"You'll be fine". Kind words.

I went home from Tagum with a heavy heart. It was one of the longest rides that I have taken, not in distance but in endurance.

I did not want to go home yet. I thought about an office mate as I was passing by Milan in Buhangin. I was listening to her custom playlist on Spotify while riding. When I contacted her, she just got home from work. Yet, she was gracious enough to accompany me for the rest of the day at a coffee shop in the mall. It was the first time we ever went out together. Call it a date if you will but I consider it as one between two friends. I consider her as someone I cannot lose. True friends come to your aid when you need it, and I am glad that I found one.

And now I just learned that my ex is sick. I pray that it is not as bad as it seems and that she will find the strength to surpass this trial.

At this point, I was more ready to give all of this up. Call me a pessimistic buffoon. But in my defense, I don't want to hope in anything good would come out of this, for my own sanity. Do I consider coming back? Maybe... Maybe not. Therefore, I will not stir any emotion, until the time is right. When is the right time? I don't know. I don't want to hope, I don't want to expect, so that I may not be disappointed. Yet, it is my duty to do what is right at the moment, and always act for the greater good.

I consider myself blessed in accordance with what God has presented to me at this point in my life. Although some would consider this absurd. Why does my heart laud at the experience of loss, of unmet expectations, and pain? It is precisely for these reasons that I am thankful, that I made myself better in the process, that I became a part of someone's life, that I am a vessel and catalyst for change. Painful it may seem, this is where I found solace.

I reached a point in my life where decisions have to be made. This is my tipping point. This is my crossroad. I will let God do what He wills. I will respond appropriately. I will make this life worthwhile while I still have it.