Failure to Launch
(Day 3/100 Day Writing Challenge)

I’m a child who’s parents make it near impossible to feel like an adult. How do I describe this? Pick up the pieces even if I don’t need them too; not trust my knowledge on certain topics or tasks, like changing the oil in my car; never talking to me about finances even though I’ve been handling my own since 17; telling me to make money yet randomly handing me some when I see them. I’m 29 for f**k sakes.

Sure it’s great at the very beginning of being on your own. But it needs to stop at some point, being seen as an incapable human being. I’m a capable human being contributing to society. I pay my taxes (wish I didn’t). What brings wanting to baby your child into play? I’d never want to groom my children to be dependent.

Things weren’t bright and shiny when I made the decision to move out. I knew I’d be struggling, and they begged me not to. But I didn’t want to be dependent and live with their rules that didn’t fit my lifestyle anymore. A Christian household with a broken family trying to hide from trauma ain’t the vibe I wanted anymore. Sorry Mom. I needed to spread my wings and do things my way. I needed space to breathe and explore. There’s so many different things to see out there! And I wasn’t allowed to love any of them. I was taught to feel shameful for not embracing religion but dabbling in the creativity of the world. As if it were the dark arts I pursued. Nope. Just the arts. Growing up in that kind of household, I felt like I couldn’t express myself and all I wanted to do was throw up cool movie posters on the wall and have crazy cool figurines or random trinkets of something I enjoyed. To be able to bring a friend over and not feel awkward for associating with people so different from them. I wanted to be able to truly blast my music from time to time. Heck, I would’ve enjoyed being able to really bond with my parents.

I can say they never tried to understand me. Well, maybe my dad but not until way later in life. Within the last few years. I guess I wanted to feel like I could go to them for advise or actually tell them about what’s happening in my life. I never had a parent figure to confide in. Never an adult to trust in. Geez, I guess I’m realizing all this as I write it…

They did their best of course. My mom was always around and married my step dad, extremely suddenly, but he’s a good guy. And my dad was around when he wanted to be, not much in my teenage years, but much more later on. I wish he was the one I grew up with but he had his own demons to kill along the way. It’s how it’s meant to be in this life so no hard feelings to any of them. They did their best with the cards they were dealt.

They’ve created a failure to launch but I’m doing my best with the cards I’ve been dealt too.

-Becca

100days