Antonio Escobar

I’m learning to appreciate life as it is and enjoy the subtle poignant moments as they pass. Not trying to grasp on to it, no matter how inconceivable reality seems, my brain saying, "This cannot be", it is. What excites me the most is, my life evolves in mysterious luminosity. Lightning in a bottle. I am seriously carefree and yet imbued with dedication to my passions- about our planet and our place in it, about current dilemas and politic crises, watching engaging, thought provoking cinema, enjoying succulent food (sushi/Tex-Mex/Italian) with company I hold with the utmost respect and cherish their opinions and life aspirations inspired by the struggle to. I’m in pursuit of happiness and find it through discovery of novelty in the mundane day-to-day. My mind focused and desiring stimuli of inspired people. There’s nothing peculiar about that or a lack of fellow travelers in LA.

Articulating on The Unbearable Lightness of Being

I’m a cerebral type. Finding relief in journaling around sunrise, the world around me groggily waking up as the sounds of automobiles crank up, car alarms blare, people driving by in haste or lackadaisically. Coffee and light blue American Spirits cigs my companions. I root through the incessant worries that plague me. I’m manic depressive with addiction issues. Sometimes moving at a snail’s pace in circles it appears. But there’s a human behind my façade. Witnessing everything with curiosity now (not judgement or intolerance, though sometimes it can’t be helped). Hard to fathom my first attempt was at 24. I am 40 now. Living modestly with my two rescued cats during the height of the pandemic. I still crave forgiveness and yet through relationships with others is where the mirror is put right in front of me. I see me as inherently human, lovable and instilled with the life force that keeps me here and I need not perform to be loved, just existing is enough. I feel dotting my journal is a man self-actualizing. Realizing maybe there’s more to life than goal tracking. Making days count matter. Not being a hermit or not spending all day on Twitter doom scrolling. But I love creature comforts and exploring my city. I was denied a first date because her ex was also bipolar. Battling injustices or micro-aggressions are what I do best. Try to challenge the status quo. I didn’t let it hurt me she denied me, but I’m an emotional creature and not impervious to pain.

I’m not in writer’s block but maybe writing prompts can help jolt me to write about different aspects of my journey. I don’t want to relive my 30’s or 20’s. There are dramatic scenes of existential dread I deny myself the luxury to dwell in anymore. Letting go while allowing myself to feel less anxious and LIVE and maybe even thrive without overthinking stuff would be nice. And that’s why I put pen to paper to give myself the space to.

Comic Book Characters Reflecting My Personality

  • The Wolverine- loner, drinker, smoker, anger issues, no family of his own, defiant, government guinea pig, Adamantium skeleton, believes in justice (his own), able to heal regeneratively if injured (even critically). Will act out of altruism and put himself in harms way. 


  • The Batman- No superpowers, high deductive reasoning with unlimited funds to use prototype technologies in battle with impeccable combat skills but must temper his anger for justice.


  • Moon Knight- June’s choice. Defeated The Avengers. Olympic level athlete, Accepts high levels of pain, injury, and torture, relies on adaptability, uses environment to his advantage, intimidation, expert detective, resurrected multiple times, works with NYPD to solve cases. Silver weapons to execute vampires.

DID (Multiple Personalities):

• Marc Spectre- Epic driver, can man a helicopter, U.S. Marine, mercenary, expert at hand-to-hand combat, marksmanship, kung fu, eskrima, judo, karate, ninjutsu, savate, and Muy Thai.

• Taskmaster- villain and mercenary.

• Jack Lockley- street level narc.

• Steven Grant- rich and influential. 

  • The Joker- (June disputes me inferring any semblance. That The Joker should not be on this list). Chaos and wants to create unstableness in others. No remorse. Insanity. No reason behind behavior. No logic beyond desiring to incite violence. 

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Beginnings

Journaling

In coming here I plead the fifth as to what I wish to nurture in me or whether or not to convey or keep secret all that jazz in my head. All I know is I have a yearning to emote, to not conceal myself in the sea of people and be men among men at a distance. Yet sometimes cautiously I abandon my post as conveyor of tech security and post my thoughts without abandon or thoughts of reprimand. I guess, what I mean is, I want to be unique, just like everybody else.


In this world it is best to be ready for anything so if something arises you're awake to the opportunity presented. My approach doesn't exactly fit that mold. I'm defiant to a T, yet docile, even patronizing. I have conflicts of interest, selfish motives attached to a guise of altruism. I think that only makes me more human. Wanting recognition and praise. Being noticed or even lauded. Appreciated not for something I did, but for who I am intrinsically that is my essential essence, always in motion though, not static. A torrential river of activity not a statue. Constantly wanting to learn and adapt and be "a part of". I've seen my share of being ostracized from the in-group. Me being awkward and introverted; I need to be poked and prodded at times when I get stuck. But I clean up well and can put on a happy face, pretend to fit like a glove in situations where I feel dis-ease. And yet the world continues to astonish me with what has been afforded me. Like I need to be pinched it's going so well at that moment. I'm fresh from a journey to the East Coast. Still absorbing all the wonderful attractions and succulent food along with ample time to just talk with a kindred spirit, my brother. I don't know how I haven't gone to see him for this long, but I tend to drift off into the rabbit holes of life and can let time pass without seeming to be growing but just subsisting. I'm not. I'm always attracted to new projects and ideas and fantasies of a better quality of life and achieving stability within.


Another thing drives me here. I want to leave a part of me behind. I know it sounds morbid coming from someone who could have many years ahead, but I find myself latent with foreboding sometimes veering and knowing that I am on borrowed time. This may not make much sense now, but I'm sure I'll probably give explanations about being me. Not that I am even aware of my own situation or whether there are explanations. Some things just are. I exist so I write. I yearn for the mornings mostly to journal and see the morning light cast long shadows across my living room with mildly hot coffee and a lit cigarette nearby. Musing about what I want out of life when life is passing through me as I ponder.