Wednesday, Apr 10, 2024 at 2:30 PM
April 10, 2024•218 words
And here I am again. Trying to calm myself down. Trying to enjoy the present moment. Trying to relax. Trying to breathe.
But I can't.
I'm suffocating. I'm stressed out beyond belief. I'm haunted by the past, worried about the future, planning for disaster that is bound to strike. Hanging on with tooth and nail, trying to hold it all together. Company, finances, family, sanity. "If I don't do X it's all going to fall apart." Or that's what my mind is telling myself.
If I keep doing X, where X is being stuck in the doom-loop of despair, it is me who will be falling apart. Intellectually, I know this. Spiritually, I'm not sure I do. Practically, I'm so stressed out that I'm paralyzed by fear and overwhelm. Realistically, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.
Sun, saltwater, solitude. That was my prescription for myself. Peace and quiet. Time. Especially time alone. Those are the things I desperately need. Those are the things that are borderline impossible to get.
I'm embedded in too many things; too many things are dependent on me. I can't just disappear, even though I'd want to. I can't just isolate and heal, even though I'd have to. I can't just... I can't.