Review: Happy 2B Hardcore

(Originally posted: November 9, 2018)

Thesis: Trance. Antithesis: Drum N Bass. Synthesis:

We found this magic CD in the MDMA mines and gave it to your 15 year old son. It grants him the power to annoy you forever. You'll hear it through the wall. Try tapping your foot 170 times a minute. The only dance move is "jump up & down & flail around". It'll clear the ballroom. Sucks for them. They could have a lot more fun if they put in some effort.

Every song has the same structure. You can mix a track a minute and miss nothing. Perfect for easily bored kids learning to DJ. I'd mix buildup to breakdown. Gets to the "meat" faster: pop hooks and arcs of tension. Always mixes smooth. It seems so easy when half the genre's straight from Vengeance Essential Clubsounds Vol. 3.

If culture's an ocean, Happy Hardcore's a kiddie pool filled with boiling water. Listeners can handle anywhere from ten to thirty minutes, depending on constitution. HIIT, practice your sprints. The water's boiling as a disinfectant; all music eventually finds itself face down (ass up) in a cheesy Hardco-I mean, Nightcore remix. Extra funny because of how chaste it is. Let's just say, love ain't the same as sex. Do a bump of Molly and you'll get it.

So, why bother with Happy Hardcore? Is it just for burning up some energy? Sure, but this music has perfected the art of Euphoria. Visceral, body feelings. Stuff your face. Drink the Kool-Aid. Get that sugar rush. Makes life worth living. And when you least expect it, those sappy lyrics will make you cry. The amateurish singer somehow makes it work. This ain't music for critique, it's music for living. Or for the background while you play World of Warcraft. Same difference.

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