being afraid of locking in

After long periods of "hard locking in", like grinding for summer program applications or APs, I just crash and burn out. After school ended I spent an entire week sleeping 8-9 hours and having zero work ethic. Normal, right? But I feel like more and more, I've started to fear putting my 100% into things. That's not to say that I'm not capable of it. I can put in 150% if I wanted to. So why don't I? I don't know when it started, but I started being afraid of doing difficult things. Why does it feel like I've started to become more chill and slacking off? I don't like that part of myself. Where was that diligent freshman from 2 years ago, who had so much discipline and work ethic?

After some thought, I've realized maybe it's because of certain experiences I've had in the past two years, when my mental health was never my priority. I took very little time to focus on myself, and I was even proud of myself for it. I remember back in freshman year V told me that I always laughed it off and pushed it aside.
I am hesistant to publish this post because I fear people might think of me differently knowing this information, but I don't think that it should. Having mental health issues doesn't mean there's something wrong with you fundamentally; considering the heavy de-stigmatizing that social media has done on mental health in recent years, I think I should be able to talk about these things without feeling judged, especially because these were past experiences.
This may seem like a heavy dump, but here are the things that took a toll on me.
1) Parents yelling at each other every day, threatening to divorce but never doing it
2) Depression in February freshman year and November-March sophomore year
3) Lots and lots and lots of rejections, which led to a lot of self-doubt in the first semester of sophomore year. I wanted to give up on the grind, but I was afraid I would regret it
4) A very tumultuous romantic relationship, breaking up and getting back together (twice) because I was too young and naive to know how to handle things then
5) Being completely isolated (no close friends) & bullied freshman year
6) Having an unstable friend group sophomore year
7) Having OCD from 8th-9th grade that affected my sleep, going to sleep, taking tests, etc.
8) Panic attacks + anxiety from being overwhelmed
9) Suicide ideation
10) Asking to go to therapy but consistently being denied
11) Resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms
12) In general, having lots of unhealthy thoughts like: I deserve punishment for not being good [productive, smart, disciplined] enough

But recently, after realizing that the way I was thinking and living wasn't sustainable, I've started to look after myself more. I start to take more breaks and focus on building better and stronger relationships with friends. I've started to prioritize my mental and physical health, and I've definitely seen positive results. Before I was a sad person with happy moments, now I'm a happy person with sad moments.

So to answer the previous question, I'm afraid of locking in... because I don't want to go through that again.
But I'll address overcoming that fear in a future post.