journal, day 21

I don't really feel as cared for as other people are. That is probably selfish to say but I just generally do not. I don't really feel cared for by my mom. My last group of friends in highschool just could not handle me, which is fine. Though, these experiences do dictate a lot of my paranoia in life now.

My friends now, who I really do like, aren't bad at all and are far from it. I just feel on the outside, I always have. I don't know why, it's kind of always been like this regardless of the people. I kind of wish that people could understand this. I don't really know if people can and they choose not to or if they are incapable of understanding it, unless having lived it.

I know that I'm important to people. But, maybe I just have a hard time because I don't really seem like top priority to myself sometimes. I have always felt as if I allow myself to be stretched thin and no one else does the same. I don't want anyone else to do the same. I think I just over preform acts of kindness and trust to make friends.

I really do not want to come off as selfish, I just want to be treated like a person and to feel like a person and be cared for the way I try for others despite the lacking empathy and unrelatability.

I really do try. I don't want to make care and affection out to be some sort of quid pro quo thing. I like to love people freely and I don't expect anything in return for just being a decent person. Maybe, I don't show care the right way so people might think I don't actually care for them? I would die for my sisters and my friends, I can confidently say that. I don't want people to feel these extremes, I don't expect this in return.

I just want to feel less alone, I just don't want to be selfish or too much to handle because of this want. I would join groups but I am horribly paranoid and some people will dismiss my experiences because of the lack of a professional diagnosis. I feel kind of stuck, I wish I knew how to make friends. I've tried talking to new people but I'm too paranoid and it feels too forced.

I'm watching a video playlist on youtube about art. I really like making art, it's fun. I'm relearning as lot of things.


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