I'm still not sure what to write. I didn't want to keep doing journal entries. So, misc it is. Anyway, I might end up homeless. I have a horrible time saving money. I haven't told Val that I don't want to move out. I like living with him. But, I can't afford to live on my own away from family without a better paying job. I think my life is in a steady decline because I'm just no good at living. There are too many things outside of my control and the ones that are in my control I keep fucking up ...

It's been a year. I didn't go to the military and I probably can't. I don't think I want to. I made a lot of friends since I moved out of my mom's house. I don't know what else to write. This week hasn't been very good and I keep crying. That's all I have, I guess. I've called out of work for the day and I'm hoping I don't get fired. I'm really screwed if I do get fired. I want to feel okay. ...

10:58pm I have not talked to anyone in a really long time about things that I think are really important. My therapist said I was ready to stop therapy a WHILE ago, and I agreed and I probably shouldn't have but I've been fine. It's been five months but I thought it was at least a year. I don't really know what else to do so I opened this up again. I still don't have any friends. I did try, but I still don't have any friends. I'm probably just not made to have any friends just yet. I have my onl...

8:29pm I thought I should update this because I haven't in a while. I did quit my job, I don't regret doing that. It was really stressful and really unfulfilling and I wasn't even there very long. I would regret it but there are other ways to make money if I'm determined enough and disciplined enough to try. So far, I think I've been making good progress. I have a scanner coming soon, that way I could digital art and animation easier. I really just want to make livable income off of my art and...

9:59am I haven't made one of these in a bit. I want to start keeping a hand written journal too, just because it's easier to access at any given time. I think my head might be getting worse somehow, I had two breakdowns over the span of one week I think. I think going outside could really help me but I've got no one to go with and really no place to actually go. I am a lot more apprehensive to go out than when I told my therapist the last time. I don't even want to leave the yard anymore. The ...

7:33am I haven’t had anything to write about. I have my plans figured out. I’m going to do a comp sci course and then pay my way through an art school. It’s not really a new plan, it was my original plan actually. 7:14pm I feel kind of awful. I don’t really want to go into detail, it’ll just make me feel worse. 8:38pm Someone said I sound like my mom. My sister and her friend. It sucks. I think I want to be nonverbal. I don’t want to sound like her. I’ll just wait until I don’t. It’s not my ...

4:18pm I haven't done a single journal in a few days because really, nothing has happened. I'm trying to start up a campaign for a zombie apocalypse type thing though, so that's cool. I'm attempting to do it with my friends. I'm not really sure if everyone else wants to do it as much as I do but, y'know. I'm going to see if anyone else has done a campaign like this. I'm also getting back into drawing my characters, kind of. I never really drew them outside of my sketchbook to begin with but, ...

1:57pm Yeah, I didn’t write anything yesterday, I slept all day. 11:58pm I didn’t really write much today either but that’s okay. I feel like I was supposed to do something for therapy homework and I’m forgetting really bad. 3/20/22 ...

5:38pm I don't really feel as cared for as other people are. That is probably selfish to say but I just generally do not. I don't really feel cared for by my mom. My last group of friends in highschool just could not handle me, which is fine. Though, these experiences do dictate a lot of my paranoia in life now. My friends now, who I really do like, aren't bad at all and are far from it. I just feel on the outside, I always have. I don't know why, it's kind of always been like this regardless o...

3:04pm I managed to do the things on my schedule today aside from reading. I was watching art tutorials on lighting. 5:15pm I wanted to join kaleidoscope group today and completely forgot about it. I'm a little disappointed, honestly. But, having to speak to new people makes me really sweaty and nervous anyway. Talking to new people honestly doesn't seem to be helping. 3/17/22 ...

8:22pm It’s honestly been the same for the last three days. So, I’m not too sure what to write about. I think my mom may really kick me out, I guess I just shouldn’t talk to her either unless necessary. She always starts arguing, it’s tiring. That’s really all for today, 3/16/22 ...

1:27am Same thing as the day before! I'm okay now though. 3/15/22 ...

12:08am Uhhhh... completely forgot to do this today. Nothing really happened! I have had indigestion all day + food poisoning. So it was just that and sleeping. 3/14/22 ...

4:42pm Hopefully, I remember to upload this one. Anyway, I'm looking for a place to buy my syringes myself because CVS doesn't carry what I need. The ones I they gave me were so bad, the medication got everywhere and I had to rub it into my leg. The needle was also awful and grabbed on my skin instead of just coming out. It was really unfortunate but, I have to keep using them until I get the money to buy the ones I need. That being said, I'm going to try to get the ones I need. Maybe, I will ...

11:21am I woke up at the right time despite my alarm not having gone off. I turned the ringer off the night before so I could sleep in. I didn't have the best night last night. My mood has just been steadily dropping but I'm okay today. It was raining when I woke up and I decided to sleep in just a bit more. I don't really have a plan for today. I'm watching videos about renaissance art. I think I'll try to find some black history sources as well and also break into the language and linguistic ...

6:46pm I think I might isolate for a bit. I feel like I might be trying to hard to get people to talk to me, it's important to me to talk to people but it feels like it's more trouble than it's worth. Maybe, it's anxiety or whatever else but I haven't been feeling the best for the past three days. I'd rather stop trying so hard to talk to people and just focus on my own thing and myself for now I think. I believe it would probably just be for the best at the moment than trying so hard to get pe...

7:48pm I woke up when I was meant to! Just got to typing late. I can’t stop sweating. I am afraid to be outside even when I am with people. I still go out but it makes me nervous and kind of uncomfortable. I don’t hate leaving the house it’s just hard for me. It’s not even solely because of people, it’s also because I’m just outside; People being around me does make it worse. I’m very sweaty now and I kind of am ready to just go home. We will in a few. 8:40pm I’m not really good at participati...

7:12am I wish I was a bit more empathetic to other people, or at least understood other people. I really like Maze, I really wish I could understand him a bit more. They mean a lot to me, I know they do not mind, I just want to be able to relate and empathize with him more. Other than that, I got no sleep because I slept two hours before bed!!! I spent all night in call + learning some code so at least I didn't just sit there all night. My body is really sore from exercise though, and I'm prett...

12:16pm I have my case management thing today! It’s nothing bad. That being said it is now my older sister’s birthday. Yesterday was my younger sister’s. This older sister doesn’t live with us though. I really badly want to move up to some place outside of Toronto, or someplace right on the border until I can move in there. I need my license first and a van, I really badly want a van. I have to learn how to budget, maybe get a budgeting book. 1:48pm I really want to try my hand at making games...

7:08pm I almost forgot to do this. I woke up on time but went back to sleep. I had an appointment at 11:20am for my job. It was a really quick scan of a few things but it bothered me a lot that I was late. It made me really nervous and incredibly unhappy. My day itself has been pretty average. There isn't much to say for it, it wasn't bad. Though, it is my little sister's birthday. She turned fifteen today. Earlier today, my baby sister's fish died. My mom cleaned the tank because one got caug...

9:34pm I didn’t wrote anything at all today because I’ve been out. We were going to go to the beach and decided not to and then it was a park. We didn’t go there either. So, instead we went to the festival. It was fun but it was really really loud, too loud for me. Big crowds also make me nervous to the point where I start sweating. If I get nervous I sweat and I sweat a lot, especially outside of the house. I’m not necessarily afraid just paranoid and nervous. Also, I did my shot today on my ...

1:19pm I woke up at the right time again but I heard my mom yelling. I can't remember if it was a dream or if it was real, but that's why I went back to sleep. I'm going to try learning python again today. It broke last week(?) so I gave up for a bit out of frustration. 2:19pm I finished reading this little comic thing called bouquet. It's created by Shan Horan. https://shanhoran.com/bouquet It isn't very long, not for me at least. I read all of them and I really like them. 2:53pm I feel mise...

10:22am Woke up at 6:30! Even if I don't wake up exactly then, I still wake up pretty early. The game I talked about yesterday, takes place in ww2 era, 1944. I thought I was wrong. So, I think I'm going to rewatch this, there's a lot that I missed or just was not paying the most attention to. 12:54pm Finished up therapy! I almost made a new journal entry on accident. That being said I am very surprised I was called gentle and compassionate. I don't really often hear myself described that way...

6:15pm Slept in this morning. I’ve been awake since 1 or around then. I think it’s a bit of a shame I let calling become part of my routine because it bugs me when it doesn’t happen. It causes me distress sometimes. I don’t like feeling like I need people. It makes things really hard, but I don’t want to be alone either. I feel like a walking contradiction, it really sucks and I’m really confused all the time. I don’t like the confusion or how foggy my head is. I just kind of live with it be...

12:44pm In the offer meeting! It's starting soon, can't type, bye. 2:14pm Finished. Hopefully, the job isn't too bad. I'm not sure who's going to get my little sister, my entire 5 week training is mandatory and I'm not allowed to take breaks for that. Hopefully, my dad will help out. I really need this job and I'm not willing to risk it in all honesty. 4:35pm Slow day today. Not sure what to write about today. 3/2/22 ...

1:29pm Slept in. I think I dislike sleeping in more than I dislike going to bed. I miss out on the entire day and things I could be doing, it really bothers me. I don't like losing time for things I want to do at all. I really dislike not doing things. That's all sleeping is, it's the literal absence of activity. I don't like that. 7:26pm Slept all day. I wasn't upset or anything. I just slept in the whole day. 7:40pm I didn't talk to anyone all day. I don't think I'm upset. For one reason or ...

8:27am Woke up on time with my schedule at 6:30 and purposefully went back to sleep. I want to make more friends that do art but I find it's increasingly difficult to make friends as opposed to people just looking at it. I have some friends I don't really talk to anymore. I think I'll talk to them more, I want more people to talk to. It's not as if they dislike me, they're just like 2-3 years younger than me. It feels older cousin-ish. I also want to post my art more, but I have to start drawi...

8:57am There won't be much here today because I'm going to my dad's and I'm going to learn to screen print shirts and stuff. I want to make something I would wear. Wondering if you can screen print on sweaters. I think you can, I don't see why not. 6:04pm OMG. I've been gone all day. I learned how to screen print and do tattoos. I think that's all I really have to say for now. It was a pretty decent day. I wouldn't say I'm happy for my mood right now. I think I would just say I am calm and co...