journal, day 3

8:27am
Woke up on time with my schedule at 6:30 and purposefully went back to sleep.

I want to make more friends that do art but I find it's increasingly difficult to make friends as opposed to people just looking at it. I have some friends I don't really talk to anymore. I think I'll talk to them more, I want more people to talk to. It's not as if they dislike me, they're just like 2-3 years younger than me. It feels older cousin-ish.

I also want to post my art more, but I have to start drawing more. I do draw it's just all in my sketchbook, not digital. I think for digital art, once I get my tablet and stuff, I'll just schedule posts as opposed to actually tweeting them when I'm done. That would probably be better for me. Also, side note, this might take a bit, I've got no job so this might take a while.

Aside from that, I think I worry too much about having friends and people liking me. I do really want both of those things, but I know it's hard for me. I put too much pressure on myself when it comes to knowing people or making friends or relating to people. Essentially, I'm doing what my 3rd grade teacher did to me, forcing me to act neurotypical when I'm not. That's probably why this is so hard for me.

It's not like I'm clueless, I know how to make friends in theory, just not in practice. I don't want to have to act differently or just generally not entirely like myself. That's really the only way I could make friends was by acting neurotypical and I can't do that because it makes me unhappy.

People expect me to be neurotypical and if they expect that from me, well then, maybe they just are not the right people to try and make friends with.

9:07am
I think I'll re-watch AKIRA today.

2:42pm
Did my first T shot today. I felt the needle in my leg, but it didn't hurt at least. The doctor called and she said my WBC is low and I have no clue why. I'm only a bit fatigued and a little achy but otherwise I'm fine. I'm not even sick I have to make an appointment with my other doctor to re-run the lab. It probably has something to due with me getting covid at one point.

Maybe, I will continue to get face masks to go out in then. I'll find a really good one and wear it out from now on because I refuse to get sick again.

4:13pm
Really close to getting this job, I hope that I can. It's remote and pays well, I'd really like an offer from the other place I applied too as well. Though, I'm very underqualified they would teach me and I'd be more than willing tp learn.

6:29pm
Bored. Bored. Bored.

Hopefully, I can do my drivers class soon. I really need a license and a car too. I really want a van. I have a few in mind but I'm blanking. I also really want to learn comp sci, I want to learn how to program and I know I can teach myself. If I can't hopefully I can go to school for it or maybe take some sort of a boot camp. I know this'll take a lot of time for me. I'm going to try and learn python first.

I also really want to get back into the swing of drawing, it's making me kind of sad I'm missing out on something I want to do and it isn't as if I can't just pick up a pencil. I just happen to be having a hard time doing so.

I'm going to find some sort of app that allows me to mirror my iPad to my pc and hopefully I can do it that way. I really want to get back to drawing on my computer in some way.

6:38pm
I'm going to start reading the giver trilogy.

8:53pm
Got word back from one of the places I put in an application at. Not what I preferred but I'm definitely gonna do the interview. It'll be a lot easier to keep this one because it's remote.

In call with my friends and we are watching my partner play FNaF:SB.. or trying at least. It's kind of slow, though, all things considered, it is definitely my wifi.

2/28/22