journal, day 11

12:16pm
I have my case management thing today! It’s nothing bad. That being said it is now my older sister’s birthday. Yesterday was my younger sister’s. This older sister doesn’t live with us though.

I really badly want to move up to some place outside of Toronto, or someplace right on the border until I can move in there. I need my license first and a van, I really badly want a van. I have to learn how to budget, maybe get a budgeting book.

1:48pm
I really want to try my hand at making games. I'm going to keep watching these videos.

3:36pm
Met up with the case worker. He's really cool, I can't wait to get to work with him, I'm going to re-learn how to budget which I am excited for. I really wish my job started sooner rather than later. I'm not really the most patient person when it comes to this all.

I'm sure it'll be fine though. One thing, I really want to get a van. Not just a car a van I have a few on my list. I know insurance on them is a bit much but I really want to get one. I prefer it to a car and I think I'll shoot for that and just save up instead of getting a car.

Which yes, it is more money but it's not a bad idea as long as I have the right insurance and budget correctly. I'm going to look into car insurances and health insurances as well. I want to actually be self sufficient.

Last night, I learned about this thing called counter-dependency. It's the opposite of codependency. I think I might be counter-dependent but I'm not as mean as the characterization for counter-dependent people is. I know I definitely exhibit these behaviors though. I'm really afraid to accept help or depend on people or trust people and I think it's due in part to how I was raised and my paranoia. I'm really scared to be vulnerable and I'm not entirely sure how to do that.

I think being in therapy and doing these journals is a good start and Maze also said that to me last night, too. I just tend to get in these swings of thinking I can't trust people or really anyone with anything. I didn't need people, I think and I'm not sure why I need people now. Maze, my partner, said it's just because I am changing and people change. Though, I do not know if I am really ready to change yet, I don't believe I really have a choice.

I know it'd be better for me to accept help and to trust people but it feels kind of like I'm going against everything I was taught growing up. I think it really goes against what I was taught as independence vs. actual healthy independence. I will eventually figure it out, I always do.

12:04am
Learning to program omg! I will update this in the morning.

3/8/22