journal, day 12

7:12am
I wish I was a bit more empathetic to other people, or at least understood other people. I really like Maze, I really wish I could understand him a bit more. They mean a lot to me, I know they do not mind, I just want to be able to relate and empathize with him more.

Other than that, I got no sleep because I slept two hours before bed!!! I spent all night in call + learning some code so at least I didn't just sit there all night. My body is really sore from exercise though, and I'm pretty hungry and sleepy.

I think I'll stick to looking up some vans for now instead of apartments, at least not specifically to Maze. I don't want him to be anxious but it is also something I just genuinely enjoy talking about. It's not as if he fussed about it or got angry at me. I just personally, don't feel very nice about it myself.

I really do want a van though and I really do want to move out when I can afford it, eventually.

2:00pm
I don't like that I have to pick up my little sister everyday from school. This wouldn't be an issue if I had a car, honestly. I have to walk out in a storm today to pick her up. She shouldn't have to walk through that. All we have are umbrellas. It's probably just complaining but I really don't like having to walk in a storm to get her and I don't like that she has to walk home in one.

I know it won't like, kill us or anything. It just is a nuisance. Hopefully, the rain dies down.

4:04pm
It did die down!

One thing I thought about was, I think I have trouble being okay with wanting to be around people and trusting them because I have a hard time relating to people. I think it scares me. Though, it probably isn't too much to worry about. I think I'm too harsh on myself for simply being autistic.

4:22pm
I forgot what else I was going to type here Whoops..

Oh, okay. I was going to write I'm not patient enough to wait until the 4th of April to start my job. It's just too long of a wait, I'd like to start now.

7:40pm
I am playing fallout shelter. That is it, I don't really know what to else to type.

9:40pm
I kind of wish I had face to face friends to spend time with. I realize it doesn't really matter, it wouldn't stop me from feeling lonely. I know I said earlier that I'm really hard on myself just for exhibiting autistic traits, but I really wish that I could relate to and empathize with others. It's really lonely not being able to do that and it's made even worse when you become othered for something you can't really control.

I want more hobbies and I want to do more things but I'm really tired of being lonely for everything I do. It isn't fun. It's making me miserable and I really don't like crying.

I think tomorrow I won't plan for us to do anything in call. Me and Val watched a movie and it was fun calling, I think. I just thing I expected us to do too much stuff and ended up disappointing myself. It sucks but maybe we can do it tomorrow, or the day after that. Or just some other time.

I just want to do something. I don't know. I know people have priorities and other stuff they planned to do. I just kind of wish there was more time to do other stuff too. Like, playing games or talking. I don't know, I know it isn't really all that important compared to other stuff we all have to do.

Maybe, it would be good for me to plan stuff to do on my own so I'm not sad when things don't really go to plan.

3/9/22