journal, day 25

9:59am
I haven't made one of these in a bit. I want to start keeping a hand written journal too, just because it's easier to access at any given time.

I think my head might be getting worse somehow, I had two breakdowns over the span of one week I think. I think going outside could really help me but I've got no one to go with and really no place to actually go. I am a lot more apprehensive to go out than when I told my therapist the last time. I don't even want to leave the yard anymore. The furthest I would go without feeling any discomfort was my baby sister's school; I can't even go that far anymore. I don't like leaving the yard.

I know it isn't anyone's job but no one asks why I won't leave the house. I not that I don't want to. I can't. It causes me too much paranoia to the point where I start to feel sick. If it isn't that, which it always is, my joints still hurt despite all my stretches and exercising I'm still experiencing joint pains.

I really want to go outside but I don't feel safe even in the yard. I can go out to yard and check the mail and take out trash but I don't stay out longer than that. I've tried to explain to my mother that this is happening and all she says is not to let fear control me, my father days the exact same thing. That's a thousand times easier said than done. I'll tell them I can't help it and I've tried and it runs a lot deeper than just a simple fear. Then they both go, "How are you going to live then? What are you going to do when we die?"

I don't know what to do anymore I'd be a lot more willing to go outside if I had a friend to go out with but I don't. I only have my mom and I don't really know how I feel about going out with her. My dad said I should try to make some friends online that live around here but I'm not sure if I feel comfortable with that. I'm friends with my friends because they live far away, despite them having my address they aren't that close if they want to come and hurt me for whatever reason. If I make friends with someone here and they want to hurt me they could drive like two minutes to my home and come hurt me.

I don't even know how to make friends either. I've tried very hard to make friends, but I really don't understand how to do it. It's harder to talk to people when they are closer to me. It's easier to talk online and on the phone. It worries me what will happen when I meet up with my online friends, I don't want to be too awkward but I know that I will be. I don't really talk in person.

I really do want to go outside. It would be easier if I had people I could go outside with. I'd still be scared but at least I wouldn't be so alone. I can't stop crying about this, I really do hate it so much.

I'm not going to be typing more than this for the day because I have work today and I'm technically supposed to be focusing on it right now. I just had to type everything somewhere. Maybe, I will type some more tomorrow but, for now, this is all I'm going to be typing for this day.

OH wait, there's another co-host aside from me and Rutherford now and they don't really have a name just yet. Now, I've caught up on some things.

4/18/22