journal, day 26

8:29pm
I thought I should update this because I haven't in a while. I did quit my job, I don't regret doing that. It was really stressful and really unfulfilling and I wasn't even there very long. I would regret it but there are other ways to make money if I'm determined enough and disciplined enough to try. So far, I think I've been making good progress. I have a scanner coming soon, that way I could digital art and animation easier.

I really just want to make livable income off of my art and I know that's asking for a lot but I know that it's doable as long as I try hard enough. I don't think I am really going to have a lot of help in the process of doing this but that's okay. I have to learn how to be productive on my own anyway.

The whole point of quitting was so I could focus on doing what I want to do. That's what I was doing before my dad pressured me into getting this job in the first place and I was making pretty good progress. But then, I got the job and I legitimately did nothing but the job. I sacrificed a bunch of time that I could be putting into what I want to do into bullshit that I literally did not want to do and mentally cannot handle. I think if I were medicated it would've been easier.

Though, I find it really hard to work when there's really entitled people screaming in your ear for eight hours. It wasn't fun and it made me so angry that my ears started rumbling and my chest started hurting. I thought I'd like it but I think the more jobs I get in some sort of customer service position the WORSE they seem to get. I don't think it is something I ever want to do again.

I don't understand how people actually like those jobs. Everyone that I worked with loved that job, it wasn't some means to an ends like every job is for me, it's just what they Want to do. I keep getting told I have to do things I don't want to get things that I Do want and I'm starting to think that's not entirely true. I haven't even tried to do what I want to do just yet. I'm only ever being told what to do and then pressured into doing it. I've never even really been given a chance to try out what I want to do yet.

I understand income is important and honestly, it is an issue that I'm going to have. But, I still want to try. I haven't even failed at this yet because I haven't even begun to try.

I see everyone happy with what they're doing, job or no job, and I don't see why I have to be unhappy and mentally drained and physically sore and exhausted just for a job that was only temporary in the first place. I don't want to devote all my time to something like that. I really tried to keep that job too, I did, but I don't think I'm mentally stable enough to handle customers yelling at me all day.

I'm still trying to get a psychiatrist so I can get diagnosed, medicated and accommodated if I ever do get another job like that. I've gone my entire life being unmedicated and I don't think it will get better if I stay unmedicated. I don't think my parents would understand but I think I've given up on them understanding.

I think I've given up on trying to get people to understand me. I hate justifying my actions when they are the only things that are keeping me somewhat okay mentally. I've been in a psychotic episode for weeks and I think it is finally letting up today. For weeks, weeks, I kept seeing bugs in and on my skin. I kept feeling like my lungs were full of tar and dirt. I kept waking up at exactly 3:29am every single night. I know that because I'd check the time and I think it was genuinely brought on by the exhaustion that job caused me for about five weeks. I literally could not do anything but that job because it took up so much time in the day. I don't want to do that, I hate that, jobs should not be that way, I don't care if it was a regular shift, I know it was and it was horrible. Every job I've had that's a regular shift honestly sucks. I think I would like jobs more if I were doing things where I did not have to interact with customers, but most jobs like that require qualifications that I do not have. At least, the ones I want to do need specific qualifications.

I'm not sure what else to type except that I feel better and I'm not horrifically sore and exhausted. I feel a lot better to an extent even though part of me really still has some hang-ups about this but, I don't think I can allow myself to continue doing a job that is so mentally tolling. I'm starting to learn that jobs like that just are not for everyone. I kind of wish they were for me, as much as I like talking to people. I guess I'm just not cut out to talk to people in that way.

5/8/22