journal, day 27

10:58pm
I have not talked to anyone in a really long time about things that I think are really important. My therapist said I was ready to stop therapy a WHILE ago, and I agreed and I probably shouldn't have but I've been fine. It's been five months but I thought it was at least a year. I don't really know what else to do so I opened this up again. I still don't have any friends. I did try, but I still don't have any friends. I'm probably just not made to have any friends just yet. I have my online friends still and that's nice but I'm still really alone, I don't have any friends where I live that still actively talk to me.

There was Ariel who kept talking about trying to like meet up and stuff but that obviously went nowhere and I'm not even sure if I want to attempt that again. I probably shouldn't and I don't think I will. I'm not holding anyone at blame I just don't want to be friends anymore after that last time we all hung out. It made me feel bad even being there. It's not as if people don't talk to me, but it doesn't really feel like I'm very close to anyone anymore.

Now, I'm basically stuck in the house watching my sisters nearly every single day. It isn't something I want to do as often as I have to do it and I feel like a bad person for saying that. But, my mom gets to go out with her friends and she stays out after work some nights just for them. I don't ever get to go out and I have no way to go anywhere because she won't teach me to drive. I have no one to teach me to drive and she has so many hours at her job that I can't even get a job of my own unless it's overnight. That doesn't really work for me because I have to do my college classes and physical training for the military. It starts to feel like I'm being taken for granted a lot of the time.

I feel like I'm still being taken for granted. I don't have anyone to talk to about any problems or anything and I would never bring any issues to my mom. She's the most unhelpful person I know, and I feel bad saying that, but she only ever manages to make me feel worse and like I should've never asked her to begin with. My online friends don't really talk to me about anything that has to do with my mom anymore and they don't really talk about anything very serious like that in recent memory. I've tried in call a lot but no one really ever reciprocates that or reciprocates when I talk about the military either even though it's important to me and it's interesting to me. I'm not pro-military anything and I won't end up that way but I have to put in a lot of research into it because I have to go to the Navy. I can't afford school without it and I just want to make sure my family is secured and not ending up homeless ever again.

It's started to feel like lately no one really wants to talk unless it's about games or twitter stuff. Or just generally what they want to talk about. Anything that I've wanted to actually talk about doesn't really get reciprocated. I don't have anyone to ask for advice from or to talk to and I'm lonely. I'm still really lonely and I don't know what to do. I'm not really sure where else to go from here. I thought that maybe if I make more friends then they'd be willing to talk about stuff like that but the only people that are really willing are probably weird pro military people. I don't want to deal with people like that. I just want people to talk to about stuff like this it's not as if I wouldn't do the same. I always try my best to be there for people but it never feels like people do that for me. It really feels like I have to beg people to pay any sort of attention to anything going on eith me and I don't want to do that.

I've never expected anyone to just magically make me feel better, that's ridiculous. I just very, very simply wanted to talk to someone. I'm feel like I'm going to just give up on that though. I've tried for so long just to get some sort of advice on it or just generally talk about how I'm doing but it never really goes anywhere. With the military thing specifically it seems like no one responds at all. It also feels like I can't really get into any interests outside of what everyone is collectovely interested in or else they just don't want to hear it. I wanted to talk about warhammer because it's something I've picked up an interest in but it felt like no one really cared. And it's just generally felt like that so I just stopped talking about my interests again.

I'm not angry at anyone because if they don't want to they don't have to, but I just want people to talk to. I really wanted to do session zero of DnD this winter break but no one ever responded and I pinged everyone 3 times and still no one responded. That was the only thing I was looking fo4ward to and I've been looking forward to it for months on end just for no one to respond to even what day they're available and now everything's going to take even longer. That's the only thing that upset me, that is the only thing I've been looking forward to and no one showed up.

I just don't know what else to do.

1/8/2023