misc, 1

I'm still not sure what to write. I didn't want to keep doing journal entries. So, misc it is. Anyway, I might end up homeless. I have a horrible time saving money. I haven't told Val that I don't want to move out. I like living with him. But, I can't afford to live on my own away from family without a better paying job. I think my life is in a steady decline because I'm just no good at living. There are too many things outside of my control and the ones that are in my control I keep fucking up in extraordinary ways. I think I wasn't made to live sometimes. I think maybe I was a mistake sometimes.

Life should be easier for everyone.

I keep applying for this apprenticeship program, but I'm not a very technically smart person. I make nice art and I'm learning music, but I can't even do the technical side of those things or learn them properly. It's like something is broken in my brain. That feels like it's outside of my control too.

How can I fix myself?

I feel like I am overreacting, but this week has really, truly been terrible. I don't think I should type why really in case some random internet person somehow stumbles across this. But, it does hurt a lot. I wish things didn't hurt so much all the time. I think I'm going to end up doing something stupid. Nothing too life ruining, but still just bad ideas.

I repeat patterns and none of them are good. I think I'm like my mother or my father. I think that's what ruining my life the most, that I'm like them. I think I'm like them and I don't know how to change that. I don't know if I can change. I don't know if this is something I have to learn on my own or if I have to be taught or something or other. I just want to adjust to being an adult.

I don't want to live with my mom again.

I think if I go back I really will have to join the military and who wants to do that shit??? I don't want to be a soldier, I don't want to kill people and I don't want to aid in it. I just wish life would be easier. It could be easier, I think it's my fault. I think I must be the one making it hard.

I feel like the gods give me so so so many chances and I squander all of them. I'm no good at any of them. I can't drive, I have no car, I have no insurance, I have no money, I have no time.

I have no time, it feels like all of it is slipping away so fast. And it maybe that's true.

I didn't have a thing to write for the journal because everything happening to me is really personal. It seems like I'm finding words for this random note though. I guess my brain is funny that way.

Anyway.

I don't want to be homeless or anything like that, but I have no money and I'm bad at saving and I don't want to go home to my mom. I have no safety net out here. I have no safety net. I think if I fall now I will die. I will crash and burn and then I will die. I don't see what else there is for someone like me to do. I don't know how I made it to 21. I don't know if I'll make it past my 20s or my 30s or 40s.

I really do want to live, but I am so bad at life. I think I am lucky for my friends and all of the people I know now. I think I got lucky. I think this wasn't by my own hand I think maybe I was blessed with this just so it can all be taken away again. I don't want it all to go away though.

I wish I could figure this all out, but I'm only one person. I'm only one person. I'm no good at this am I? I need help with everything because I was raised so bad. I was raised so hyper independent that now I can't admit defeat. I can't admit when I need help. I can't do any of it. I can't explain to my my friend that I can't move out because I'm too poor. I can't admit that maybe, despite it being a horrible idea, I may have to go home.

I wish I was an animal.

I wish I could run away from all of this and disappear off of the face of the earth because fuck that would be so much easier, It would be so much easier too have always have been alone. To have never gotten a taste of this sort of freedom. My life could be so much easier if I wasn't made to want more than what I need and what I have.

I'm letting everyone around me down. Everyone has so much faith in me and I'm letting them all down. I don't know what to do anymore and I really wish something good would happen. I wish I wasn't so sad all the time. I just want things to change for the better for me, but I think I've screwed up too much for that to even be possible at this point.

I don't know how to close this out.