journal, day 6

6:15pm
Slept in this morning. I’ve been awake since 1 or around then. I think it’s a bit of a shame I let calling become part of my routine because it bugs me when it doesn’t happen. It causes me distress sometimes.

I don’t like feeling like I need people. It makes things really hard, but I don’t want to be alone either.

I feel like a walking contradiction, it really sucks and I’m really confused all the time. I don’t like the confusion or how foggy my head is. I just kind of live with it because there’s no other choice for me really. I’m not sure how to manage it either.

That aside, I feel like I should learn to cook. I want to move out on my own, I should learn how to cook, amongst other things. I really need to take that driver’s class and test.

6:30pm
I did not really write anything yesterday. It’s fine I just wish it hadn’t been So short. There wasn’t anything to talk about yesterday, or today really.

I don’t really do much. I don’t have people to go out with, my friends either moved or whenever they plan there’s something suddenly happening that day. My friends wanted me to go to a convention and now my family and I are visiting family in New York. None of us from school really talk anymore, or maybe they do and I don’t.

I’m not really sure on how to keep friends and I get confused when people reach out to me. I’m not entirely sure how it works. I thought it was just talking and hanging out, but I think there’s probably more than that. I get listening to feelings and issues and stuff but I think it’s just harder for me to get attached to people and remain attached when they don’t interact with me or if I don’t interact with them.

I really liked going out to the movies, it was pretty routine. Now it isn’t and I don’t get why things had to change that way. I would even be fine if we all went to the park. But, I don’t really talk to anyone anymore unless they reach out. I don’t understand conversation or how to start it or what to talk about.

I’m not really the best at doing people stuff like relating and starting conversations and being wholly attached forever. When people leave or stop talking I just assume that friendship is over and I drop it. I don’t really do that with any of my online friends. I think it was different with school friends because we live in the same area.

I probably just didn’t understand priorities or time. I didn’t and still don’t understand why you can’t dedicate all your time to people. I spend a lot of my time waiting on people and I guess that's not very healthy. But, I like spending time with people. I guess that isn’t how people are meant to live.

I’m not really good at understanding the way to be a human being. It’s hard.

I feel like my life is an experiment and people are just observing me fumble through it with no help.

7:56pm
Trying not to fall asleep.

8:15pm
Fully awake, I’m supposed to go to bed at 11:30. Not this early.

9:42pm
Realizing everything I typed might sound like word vomit because I was half asleep and kind of sad. Anyway, I think I'm going to try again to stay up all night and day.

I'm watching berleezy play this game called Martha is Dead and it's going on around the first world war, I think? They keep mentioning the main character's father is a German general So either WW1 or WW2. In game there's a use of a telegraph and I think I want one and I want to legitimately use it. I wonder if they're still made, I really want to learn morse code and a lot of codes and ciphers in general.

I could take a day to just sit around and do that.

11:47pm
This is going up late but that is absolutely okay. I really want to learn about radios. I also want a HAM radio but I need a license for that so I think I will just stick to learning about radios for the time being.

I am also really really into music I still want to learn how to make music. I think the lyrics are the hardest. I also want a walkman cassette player. I'm glad I got this job I can do and get a few things I wanted to get.

I'm having a lot of thoughts at once and want to do a lot of things. It's a good thing life is long regardless of how fast or slow it feels, I'm gonna have time to just do Things regardless of what they might be. I want to try doing a lot of things so I'm gonna have to make a list of things to learn and things to do.

3/3/22