journal, day 16

4:42pm
Hopefully, I remember to upload this one. Anyway, I'm looking for a place to buy my syringes myself because CVS doesn't carry what I need. The ones I they gave me were so bad, the medication got everywhere and I had to rub it into my leg. The needle was also awful and grabbed on my skin instead of just coming out. It was really unfortunate but, I have to keep using them until I get the money to buy the ones I need.

That being said, I'm going to try to get the ones I need. Maybe, I will do some commissions.

10:03pm
I cannot advocate for my little autistic sister. She's only 15. My mom will literally just not listen to me. I don't get why. Maybe, I can be harsh in my delivery but I'm not wrong. Then, she takes the time to twist my words as I am speaking to her. Any time my little sister behaves in a way that happens when autism is not managed, I can't even tell my mom she behaves that way because of autism without it starting an argument.

She acts like she just does not give a shit. She doesn't know anything about autism and always calls Moon crazy and calls her the r-slur for doing things that autistic people do. She calls her autism selective. It makes me really angry that she treats Moon like this.

And yes, I did start screaming and yelling at her but that's because she did that to me. I can't even talk to her regularly she does this all the time and then says to call our father. She knows that he will do absolutely nothing to help Moon, he would literally just be worse.

And now I keep getting threatened with being kicked out every time this happens. I want to move out already anyway but if I get kicked out I have no where to go and I cannot go to my fathers house. I need to save up to get a van and then save up some more and leave. I really don't want to leave Moon here but I'm not sure if there's anything I can do. I don't like that I can't help her and that I can't change this. If I could change my mom to just a bit more trustworthy and listening, I would. But, my mom is neither of those things and she will never be either of those things because her behavior can never be wrong apparently.

I really thought things were getting better and every time I think something is getting better, this is what happens. It's just your classic cycle of abuse. Maybe, my mom is one of the bad things that just make it seem like it would be easier to be sad. I would like for her not to be but I don't think I can change that.

3/13/22