On Why I Want To Write

Up until this point in my life, I've generally had some sense of direction. Most of the time it was getting through school, and a few months ago, I had finally reached that goal and received my Bachelor's in Computer Science.

With 5 cats, 3 large dogs, and 2 children, there is much that demands my attention, and I love it. However, I've felt that lately I've started to fall into a daze. Almost like I've become so adjusted to the routine that I rarely think of anything of consequence to myself.

When I was younger, I would have probably identified myself as a consumer. I consume media and information, but produce nothing in exchange for it. I want to create. I want to scream out into the ether and produce something.

Case and point about trying to find time to think or sit down and write: It is now two days later, and I've only just found time to come back to continue the train of thought. Or perhaps replace it, or append to it. This will go up December 1, 2020. It's a fitting start date as any other. Easy to remember.

I love my life. It is objectively a good life, and medication has stopped a cycle of self criticism that had blinded me to that for so long. I have two healthy kids, a loving wife, and, for the first time in my life, a well paying job. 2020 has thrown a lot of curveballs, which I'll likely get into in other posts as I try to write daily.

I'm busy, between caring for our two young children, or spending time with Stephanie, or working on some project at work, but it's a good busy. When I get home my time is occupied by singing with Raelynn, trying to get Marcelo to burp, or playing video games with Stephanie once they've both managed to go to bed - or at least Raelynn has, and Marcelo is mostly calm and can be laid down in the office with us, though he's awake.

Where, in that wonderful routine, am I supposed to find time to write and think to myself? While one of them is with their grandma downstairs, and the other is having his hair washed, because it's oily like mine, and he has so little hair that it gets gross. Yay shiny hair genes though, Rae is going to love that in between having to wash it when it gets long.

I probably do have more time, but I haven't particularly found motivation to not use it for anything but playing games, reading random stuff on the internet, or sleeping. That being said, if my hobbies were rated by time, recreational sleep is definitely my most favorite hobby on the weekends. I could choose to wake up earlier on the weekdays, to have a moment of silence, or to keep my routine to allow a bit of time before my children wake, but I regularly choose sleep. That should change.


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