2187 words

Rae's First Lie

I'm still recovering, and I've been extremely fatigued, but overall I'm hanging in there. That being said, it's been long enough that my family felt comfortable with me leaving the office briefly wearing a mask. I'd still rather be on the wary side, so I'm still not sleeping in my bed, but it's much less claustrophobic being able to go downstairs for a snack here and there.

So, Rae has slowly begun to speak in full sentences. With great power, comes the ability to form a ruse. I'm new to having children so I'm not sure how common it is, but she has a poop face. She'll stick her butt out slightly, like the bad posture of a 60 year old man wearing a back brace, with the torso trying to get ahead of the legs, and she'll get a certain focused look on her face. She used to pair with with moving her walker to a particular section of the kitchen as well, although the habit of locality has given way to convenience of doing it whenever the need arises.

We've seen it a million times, we know what it means, and today was no different. After noticing a certain odor, Stephanie asked Rae, "Do you want to go to the potty?", to which she replied, "No". Stephanie followed up again asking, "Are you sure? I think you made a stinky.", and Rae, lying through her incomplete set of teeth went, "No, I didn't". Rae then added, "Ava, Ava", while pointing to our German Shepherd who was laying down at her feet.

This little child just lied to my wife's face for the first time ever, and it was practically blaming a fart on the dog! Hilarious, I couldn't be more proud of another first lie. It's a little thing, but that's basically the technically-on-Christmas family story that's going to stick with me, since it's the first Christmas with our "complete" family, meaning having both Rae and Mar.

I had COVID and was still half-isolated to the office and slept most of Christmas day away due to my flipped sleeping schedule, but our little girl pooped and blamed the smell on the dog, so I've got that bit of genuine Christmas joy going for me hahaha

It's Official

I've officially tested positive. Once my wife realized I started having slight trouble breathing, we set up an appointment to get a test at a drive thru testing location. We had an appointment, and 2 hours of a car line past the scheduled time, I got a nose swap. On the way back at another drive thru, I got the text. Positive. I'd been wearing a mask while we waited to find out, but that was still a bummer, although I sort of figured at this point.

The worst part about it is more the anxiety than my actual symptoms, which I suppose is a good thing. Maybe not good, but better than nothing. I am now quarantined in the office. My wife has no symptoms whatsoever, but she's getting a test soon too. Not the rapid result, because we can't afford a second one of those when a free one will let us know in a few days.

That reminds me, as I was scheduling my appointment, I found a coupon code online. Using it knocked off a whopping five whole dollars off the total cost of $175. And when I got to the point to actually pay, it said I couldn't use the coupon code because I had in another transaction somehow. That's probably as American as COVID testing could get, this stuff writes itself.

As parents of a 3 month old, along with a toddler and elderly parent living with us, the concern about the positive test is still strong. I shouldn't have any contact with anyone for a while. As for my wife? With no symptoms, it's a calculated risk, but one we don't really have alternatives for. Relying on her mom to somehow wake up and go all the way upstairs to care for our baby if and when he wakes in the middle of the night isn't really practical. Both isolating is a childcare logistical nightmare, so it's a half measure we have to take.

By coincidence, although more likely just an eventuality of the increasing infection rates, a few of my friends have also tested positive. One from a COVID denying old boss, who I actually worry might not make it through to the other side, another two most likely infected from working at a particular rainforest named company's warehouses. We're not in it alone, at least. For the most part we haven't had terribly debilitating symptoms, at least by comparison. I guess that means we still count as "young" by not hitting our third decades just yet.

Although I'm sick, I'm in a good place. I worry my wife is worrying even more than I am, she's probably taking the brunt of the mental toll by still having to care for our children while her health is questionable. Mentally, I feel like I just have to laugh at it. Oh noooo. Who could have foreseen that having me travel to literally all company locations and departments at headquarters over the course of a week around Thanksgiving would infect me? It was all in the name of being able to host a virtual company wide event to try and keep a sense of normalcy and community, which has value. It was something I was glad to try and make happen. It wasn't a completely blind corporate decision, I get that. It was a calculated move, but the odds were not in our favor. Or my favor, particularly. Even with all the precautions, I'm still sick. I'm just glad it isn't terrible, and that I haven't been around my coworkers since I really started feeling symptoms.

Bright side, I'm now remote indefinitely, although I still have to report that I'm sick and actually take the time to rest and recover. I worked remote two days this week to try and help out, since a coworker recently left and our team is small. A little too late, but it'll be nice once I'm recovered. If I do get the position I recently applied for, I'll be remote also, so when I get through this, I can finally completely isolate. A life of not being near people sounds great, so long as I can still post stupid memes with my friends while we half-die and get through this together, all stuck in our own rooms miles apart.

Being able to work from home with my new 60% kailh box white Anne Pro II is quite nice. The thick thocks are satisfying. Sometimes you have to appreciate the little things. Like nature, family, or an excellently manufactured keyboard or meme.

Pretty Sure I'm Sick

I haven't been out of the house to take a test, but I either have COVID or a really bad case of the flu. Body aches, chills, some light coughing, and no fever. I was really unsure of it, but I felt bad since late last week, and I called out sick half the week, worked remote the last two days. By a stroke of luck I'm fully remote now, so at least I was able to recover in safety. I know a lot of people don't get that choice.

I never had a fever, which threw me off, but the rest persisted. There were some pretty nasty headaches, and I wasn't able to tell if that was sickness related or medication related. Being in a daze meant I forgot if I took my meds or not, and the withdrawal is sudden and intense, I didn't make that mistake a second time until this week (maybe?).

Now, I'm feeling mostly better, but short walks even just upstairs get my heart racing, and my watch says my 02 dipped down to 90% at some point. It's not a full blown oximeter though, so who knows how accurate that is. I know my heart races at the tiniest things, and making quick trips downstairs isn't really an option. Gotta take it easy.

Looking back I'm incredibly grateful that I was able to convince my family to not host a party for my grandma's 80th birthday last weekend. That would have been risky as all hell, even though I was working that day and couldn't go. At least I worked alone, so that was good.

Once I feel better I wonder how I'll process working from home now. No more 2.5 hours of commuting each day, and realistically I can do some side things during my work time without impacting anything. Of course work comes first, but reading a tutorial on a new framework or something is still productive. I didn't have that energy this week. I slept a solid 16 hours once, which makes me feel terribly guilty because my wife is up with our newborn and I was basically as useful as he was. Have to make those two hours count, somewhere.

For now, I just want my heart rate to stay normal when I walk a few dozen steps. To be fair my stamina was shit to begin with. I haven't gone jogging since I started at a desk job, and I struggled back as a field technician too. Maybe I'm just not built for breathing. On a lighter note, the park near my house finally opened. It was a dirt field when we moved in, and was closed for several months. Now it's a huge field, has multiple tennis/basketball courts, it has a play set for our little one, and it was supposedly a dog park, but I haven't been there to verify if there's a gate around or not. It'll be nice to walk around there with my family during one of my lunches. This year's been a roller coaster, no exception. From a wider perspective though, I've been really lucky, and I'm real grateful about it. All I have to do now is feel better so I can enjoy it.

On Why I Want To Write

Up until this point in my life, I've generally had some sense of direction. Most of the time it was getting through school, and a few months ago, I had finally reached that goal and received my Bachelor's in Computer Science.

With 5 cats, 3 large dogs, and 2 children, there is much that demands my attention, and I love it. However, I've felt that lately I've started to fall into a daze. Almost like I've become so adjusted to the routine that I rarely think of anything of consequence to myself.

When I was younger, I would have probably identified myself as a consumer. I consume media and information, but produce nothing in exchange for it. I want to create. I want to scream out into the ether and produce something.

Case and point about trying to find time to think or sit down and write: It is now two days later, and I've only just found time to come back to continue the train of thought. Or perhaps replace it, or append to it. This will go up December 1, 2020. It's a fitting start date as any other. Easy to remember.

I love my life. It is objectively a good life, and medication has stopped a cycle of self criticism that had blinded me to that for so long. I have two healthy kids, a loving wife, and, for the first time in my life, a well paying job. 2020 has thrown a lot of curveballs, which I'll likely get into in other posts as I try to write daily.

I'm busy, between caring for our two young children, or spending time with Stephanie, or working on some project at work, but it's a good busy. When I get home my time is occupied by singing with Raelynn, trying to get Marcelo to burp, or playing video games with Stephanie once they've both managed to go to bed - or at least Raelynn has, and Marcelo is mostly calm and can be laid down in the office with us, though he's awake.

Where, in that wonderful routine, am I supposed to find time to write and think to myself? While one of them is with their grandma downstairs, and the other is having his hair washed, because it's oily like mine, and he has so little hair that it gets gross. Yay shiny hair genes though, Rae is going to love that in between having to wash it when it gets long.

I probably do have more time, but I haven't particularly found motivation to not use it for anything but playing games, reading random stuff on the internet, or sleeping. That being said, if my hobbies were rated by time, recreational sleep is definitely my most favorite hobby on the weekends. I could choose to wake up earlier on the weekdays, to have a moment of silence, or to keep my routine to allow a bit of time before my children wake, but I regularly choose sleep. That should change.