Loss

Samantha exhaled as she shut the door to her flat. It was a long day that she looked forward to putting behind her. Being a subordinate again is an adjustment one she didn’t realize would be so hard. She took this job because she needed something easy until she could get her life back in order. Losing everything over a period of five years seems like a long time, but it really is a blink.

Five years ago Sam was married and a mom of a beautiful strawberry blonde spit fire. Seth called her his little princess, but Sam hated it. She wanted her daughter to grow up strong and not feel it was any one’s duty to take care of her. She needed to learn to take care of herself. Sam was teaching her to work hard and really prioritize her wants versus needs. If she wants to build an empire, she will know how to do it. If she wants to be a soccer mom, it will be because she’s figured out how to make it happen. Sarah was only six and already Sam had high expectations for her future.

After the accident Seth wanted to have another child right away. Sam couldn’t do it. She didn’t want to bring a child into the world just to fill the void left by Sarah. Starting your life having to step into someone else’s shoes is not fair, besides, Sarah was irreplaceable. Sam loved being a mother. She wanted to be a mother her entire life. She tried explaining to Seth her need to wait, but he couldn’t hear her.

Sam remembered the screaming matches, all one sided. Seth would scream at Sam trying to convince her they needed another baby. Sam retreated inside herself and focused on building her career. Sitting at the window in the rocking chair she bought to cuddle Sarah to sleep as she sang, “God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You” by the NSYNC. She was never a boy band fan, but the song came on one day as she rocked Sarah and it just fit.

She asked her grief counselor when she’d be done grieving. He told her when she was able to see color in her world again, she’d know she’s climbing out of the darkness. Everyday Sam would rock in the chair checking to see what color the sky was. What color was the grass. Now Sam sat in the chair looking for hope.

Three years later Seth decided he couldn’t wait any longer. He said he needed to find someone who wanted to build a family with him. Sam didn’t blame him, he was such a good father. She recognized how patient he’d been with her. She was angry at herself for taking so long. Seth seemed to have moved on rather quickly, why couldn’t she. Sitting across the table with their lawyers by their sides Sam remembered a moment when she saw her best friend’s parents getting a divorce. They had lost a child too and Sam wondered how two people could go through something so tragic and have it pull them apart. Shouldn’t grieving for the same loss push two people together, she thought. Now she understood how it could happen. When two people love their baby so much their worlds revolve around her, taking that away leaves people lost. They need different things to heal. Sam couldn’t give Seth what he needed.