Insecure extraordinaire, au contraire
I'm thinking about sex
it's the best
But things that are not necessary are things that make me smile most.
In June I started reading. Eat, sleep, read. My work was on the backburner, my life was on the backburner. If I didn't believe, how could I continue on? What would be the purpose of living? Those were the questions that took up my time.
It's hella crazy, just how fast the human mind can change direction.
Some changes come fast. Others, slow. Some course like lightning through my skin and teeth with the taste of heavy metal. My exit from my church was like an avalanche that started as a simple snowball. A skier making his virgin carves in the snow. It ended in a utterly whorish wave of debris - of shit and hubris all plunging into the indefinite and infinite void that people call living.
Listen, do you hear it?
Life is like the poem I would have writ, had I not been living it. Fuck Thoreau. This is poetry in motion. I'm sleepless in seattle biking toward a dawnlit skyline at 4 in the morn. Shirtless and dancing, because I am free. Free of the rule of 12 old dudes in salt lake city dictating. Dick tasting.
How do we imagine our own future?
One delusion at a time.
When I was 4, I would be a scientist of all things.
When I was 8, I didn't know.
When I was 12, the universe made sense.
At 16, the universe transmorphed into a single girl, her lips and eyes and brain the solar system in which I orbited.
At 20, I pedaled around a tropical island peddling wisdom that was good but not true.
For those that listened, I gave them my happiness at the price of reality.
at 24, I changed my worldview.
You know how one moment can define a life?
Some moments call out, begging you to remember them.
Others whisper in your ear, coaxing the emotions to respond, saying: this is what is good. This is what you were looking for. stop for one fucking moment and just listen.
I've only had a couple of those moments.
A dog barks at a fence, digs through it, then lays contentedly - feet away on the other side.
The distance didn't matter, it was the choice to explore that did. Perceived choice is what defines freedom.
Most of us don't perceive the true choices that we actually have.
I'm meditating in Japan
I'm drinking in Provo
Come dance with me, Love. We smell good, we're alone, and there is nothing beyond that window worth seeing.
Buy into the dream, and it will buoy you when the cold, wet blackness of existence is too much to handle.
Blunt it, numb it, deafen it with joy.