Diary Entry #1: A Reflection of Events

I remember everything.

I know you think of obliviating me from time to time. Just taking all the pain away, the hurt. Missing someone is the most painful thing in life, because the pain is silent and everlasting. When someone loses somebody, they just end up with a hole in their heart where that somebody they care about used to be, and there is no way to fill up that hole. There's only distractions from it.
The saddest part for me is not just missing my parents, it's knowing they are probably missing me just as much, wishing I'd contact them, let them know I'm okay. But that would bring us in danger, so I can't. I won't.

There's nothing you wouldn't have done for me. I know how much I mean to you. You didn't become headmaster by accident. You're smart, calculative, you take risks, you know very well how to get what you want, and you were never afraid to make sacrifices. Even your family... you denounced them. Not that they were ever really good people, not like my parents were, but still. I wonder if you could have ever imagined casting aside your titles and status for only one girl. You did so many dangerous, irrational things for me, you used polyjuice so we could be together in public, you obliviated Alicia without a second thought, you told the class about us. Why me? What made me worth it, instead of anyone else? I've asked myself that a lot.

I don't think either of us realized what story was going to unfold, when you met me for the first time. I don't remember well what I was thinking, but I remember sitting next to James, he was clearly interested in me, and I was... bored. Your class was interesting, what was the spell again, Colovaria? I remember very well, because I had to go by your office later that week. You know what we did there, right? You know which colour is my favourite colour now, right? It's funny, we never reversed that spell. I love wearing that item, it's become kinda like a family heirloom to me. It's also the only thing I'm wearing right now. I know you will be home soon, and I still like surprising you.

I remember feeling this powerful sense of belonging. I didn't feel this with the other guys, who were trying to seduce me. They weren't like you. But I was just one of many, at least in the beginning, right? I didn't want to fool myself and think I was special, I probably wasn't the first to have such an experience with you, and I certainly wouldn't be the last. That's what I thought, and it was like you were determined to prove me wrong. I think you liked me because I didn't just let it happen to me, I wasn't just compliant, I was an active participant. I respected you, I took your commands very serious, but that didn't mean I always listened. I was always finding loopholes, or trying to find other ways to make it... worse. I had hidden a picture of myself in the classroom, do you remember that? You had to go find it, before anyone else would. No one ever found out about that, right? We both loved playing, keeping each other sharp and focused. Everything was unpredictable with us.

I think things really started changing when I went into the forbidden forest. Getting attacked by a wolf, I had only one thing in mind. I wanted to be with you, you made me feel safe. I hated how everyone was focused on me, I cared more about Alice doing well. James wouldn't leave my side, it made me feel stuck, I think he would have followed me to the fucking bathroom if I hadn't pushed him away, I swear! That was ridiculous. But you liked that, right? I know at least a part of you did, because I needed to see you again. And you were very vulnerable that night, you'd drunk a lot, you were upset, angry. You almost had lost a student, and you just cared so much, it was intense, and an inspiration to me. You taught me it's okay to care, it's okay to be passionate about something, to follow your dreams, try your best achieving them, and it's okay to cry. You know that was difficult for me, with my emotions blocked. I could switch them off and go numb. I can't do that now, not any more. I care about things very intensely again, and you're the reason why.

After that, we were in an official relationship, but we kept it secret for a long time. You had to miss me during the ball, I went back home to my parents. I know you missed me a lot. When I came back, I was different, my mind was closed, emotionless. You didn't understand, so you had to push it out of me. I'm sorry I was like this. I'm sorry for being so complicated. But now you understand, we talked about it, you read the letter written by my parents, and we talked about my past, the reason I could block my emotions. You helped me grow and learn. I'm immensely thankful for that, because anyone else would have just given up on me. I don't know where you got the strength, you could've easily just looked for a replacement. You never did. You never thought about being with anyone else but me. Well, except maybe Xue, you were a bit of an asshole about that one, but... You helped me understand, and I forgave you. I'm sorry for making you break your promise, again. I never thought of myself much, and Xue is so much prettier than me, so... I would have understood if you had picked her. But I wasn't going to let you marry two people, and I wanted to marry you. You are the love of my life.

I guess at some point, the lying became too much for me. I closed up again, and saw the results of our deceit. Blaming other students for things that didn't happen, to protect you... In hindsight, I should've just cared less about the other students. They were addicted to the drama anyway, either they were deep in it themselves or enjoying watching from the sidelines. Ah, and then there was Zylphia. And Jess. Those turned out to be complete disasters, don't you think? Connie was easy to manipulate, just because she wasn't really that smart. Confessing Andrew's crimes gave me enough knowledge to figure out how safe you really was, I didn't expect him to actually be sent to Askaban. They were only allegations without proof after all, and the burden of proof is for the student making that allegation. However, everyone was surprised to see him gone, and that's when I knew you could really be in big danger if anyone ever found out about us. And then... You had to tell the entire school about us, just to help me recover. You do realize this is one of those incredibly stupid, but adorably sweet, dangerous irrational things you would do for me? From the ones I mentioned earlier? I think it was both the best and worst thing that ever happened to us, because the next few days following up to that, were the most perfect in my entire life. We could be together in public, truly! No disguises, no secrets. I truly, truly loved it. We went on a trip out of the country together. I let you make pictures of me, for you to keep forever, no matter what happened. I went to your mansion. We did so many wonderful things! We made a list of things to do together, you remember how long that list was? It only got longer and longer, never shorter. We had so many plans together. But I guess it had to come to an end, one way or another.

Now, in the beginning I mentioned losing someone is the most painful thing in life. You know that pain. Several times, you thought you had lost me. There is one more thing I remember very clearly, it's always stood out to me in my memories. We talked about obliviating, and... You said you would prefer being in pain, with the memory, instead of not feeling anything and forgetting about me. Because I was the best thing that had ever happened to you, and even if things would end badly, you said I deserve a place in your heart. You couldn't ever see yourself forget about me. I know you weren't trying to be romantic at that time, we were completely serious, but... That's the most amazing thing I have ever heard someone say to me.

No pain is unbearable as long as I am with you, please, always remember that. Do not doubt your actions, just because you see me in tears from time to time. It's tough now, but life is a billion times tougher without you. I wouldn't feel anything at all, if I had to live without you.

I love you. Until forever, I am yours. I am Mrs. Adler.


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