#9 Why am I doing this?

It's always about this time when I start doing something new that I begin to question my sanity.

Why am I showing up each day to write these words? Why do I feel the need to guilt myself or gently push myself to continue on the days when I really don't feel like it?

I've had a rough few days, and with so much fluidity in where I am and what I'm doing, I wonder if I have the capacity to take on this creative project. And yet, I also know that by taking on this 100 day project, I'm turning writing into a process. I'm taking a longer term look at this and allowing for the days where it just doesn't feel like coming together. Over 100 days, of course there will be bad days. That's all part of it.

Rather than this creative project being the thing that rocks my emotional boat, what if it was the very thing that brought stability and peace of mind to my troubled waters?

I say the last few days have been really hard, but that undermines that it's actually been the last few years that have been so. Maybe I've just entered that stage of life when life itself is hard. That's the challenge of the adventure we're here to experience right?

Part of my tangle is in figuring out what to write about on some days. I thought that writing anonymously would make that irrelevant. I hoped that I could just show up and write whatever was on my mind for 20-30 minutes each morning. Yet I find myself wanting to write more seriously about things to do with my work and I discover a little fear that that might take away from my anonymity. But does that really matter? Or is that just a little of the fear that shows up every time I try to do something brave? What would happen if someone worked out who I am? I doubt it would be anything bad. One of the reasons I so long to write more online is to show up authentically and share that with the world. It's one of the reasons it's taken me so long to write under a different name. Maybe this is all just part of the process.

I saw a friend the other day who I met while she was going through a hard time. She thought I had my life all figured out. But she said that as she's gotten to know me more, she's glad to see I'm such a mess too. Is this all just a sign that I need to get more comfortable with vulnerability? Likely. It'll come.