#11 It's funny how this always happens

Turns out, these last two weeks have actually just been a bit too overwhelming and my intention to return to writing here daily was not something I could manage. Whenever things are too hard, I have the voice of my friend Courtney saying "just be kind to yourself". That helps.

And actually when I say the last two weeks, I really mean all of February if not all of this year so far. Sigh.

When I started writing here, I had just moved out of my flat where I've lived for two years with my boyfriend of four years. When the separation began, I felt a sense of relief and freedom, of the novelty that comes with living in different spaces. A good friend took me in to start and gave me a base for my first two weeks. The stability and safety was so welcome, and I learnt to allow myself to receive her help. It didn't come easy.

But around the middle of February, my accommodation options became shorter options - a week here, four days there. It's a lot to navigate while also trying to keep social and see friends, and trying to be positive and look for work as a freelancer.

Every time I'd return to my flat to get a change of clothes or do something more mundane like let contractors in to fix the windows, I'd have to navigate how I was feeling returning to this home that no longer felt like home.

And then I got the big opportunity to test my equanimity. A stomach bug which started as food poisoning and was amplified from the strain of an overnight hike, and I spent a night in fever before seeing my doctor to be put on a drip. A week later and I'm still not completely over it. Three days in bed in my flat in the centre of a city with those trusty old angle grinders drilling into my soul.

Looking back at that now, I'm actually surprised by how well I handled it all. I'm learning to live more gently, even when my inner world is throwing tantrums and is completely emotionally overwhelmed.

It's a fine line between my mind wanting to protect me with rigid control of "everything's fine" when it's not and the grace that allows me to surrender to it all.

I've been enjoying the time to myself, off Twitter, out of connection from anyone but close friends. I'll be back when I'm ready.