me, myself and I

I never realised but meeting new people is definitely the fastest way to provoke change… in me personally.
I get so comfortable with my own environment, with my friends. I have learnt how to "manipulate" them in order to hear what I want. I know whom what to say in order to get understanding, I know how to present stories in order to get what I want. Meaning that I only get more and more centred in my comfort zone and not much changes for very long time. Jesus, my subconscious is so wicked.
All of this is possible only because I know the people so well, that I can "manipulate" the situation. Respectively, whenever I meet someone new, I present the situation as it is and I get real feedback. In fact, whenever I feel immature around people, I want to catch up and I leave all bad behaviour. I leave my comfort zone. I simply leave.
It's not like I want to be as good as them. I simply see how childish a particular behaviour of mine is; I see those people for who they are, and I reflect back on me. They help me see all the cracks in my personality.
So that's what is happening. That's what happened 2 months ago when I met all of you guys and I felt the cracks in my emotional self. I wanted you around, so I changed within days. We kind of parted ways for some time and I started getting back to my habits with him. Downfall. Now things are changing again, and I see cracks which I want to immediately fix.
It seems like I have friends from different standards - dynamic, motivated people and "them". I compromise with myself because of love. Unhealthy.
Hm, now I see the bad side of being fluid with people. It's not only that I oscillate between them, my personality is suffering and is confused. I have no discipline. Or I do, but I compromise with it because of love...aka no discipline. Again - unhealthy.
...
I have this time now to learn, to get back to the self I really am. The self far away from him. I love change. I love reaching the point where my new self is a step away from where I am currently.


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