soul writings:)
1,540 words

me, myself and I

I never realised but meeting new people is definitely the fastest way to provoke change… in me personally.
I get so comfortable with my own environment, with my friends. I have learnt how to "manipulate" them in order to hear what I want. I know whom what to say in order to get understanding, I know how to present stories in order to get what I want. Meaning that I only get more and more centred in my comfort zone and not much changes for very long time. Jesus, my subconscious is so wicked.
All of this is possible only because I know the people so well, that I can "manipulate" the situation. Respectively, whenever I meet someone new, I present the situation as it is and I get real feedback. In fact, whenever I feel immature around people, I want to catch up and I leave all bad behaviour. I leave my comfort zone. I simply leave.
It's not like I want to be as good as them. I simply see how childish a particular behaviour of mine is; I see those people for who they are, and I reflect back on me. They help me see all the cracks in my personality.
So that's what is happening. That's what happened 2 months ago when I met all of you guys and I felt the cracks in my emotional self. I wanted you around, so I changed within days. We kind of parted ways for some time and I started getting back to my habits with him. Downfall. Now things are changing again, and I see cracks which I want to immediately fix.
It seems like I have friends from different standards - dynamic, motivated people and "them". I compromise with myself because of love. Unhealthy.
Hm, now I see the bad side of being fluid with people. It's not only that I oscillate between them, my personality is suffering and is confused. I have no discipline. Or I do, but I compromise with it because of love...aka no discipline. Again - unhealthy.
...
I have this time now to learn, to get back to the self I really am. The self far away from him. I love change. I love reaching the point where my new self is a step away from where I am currently.

calm but messy

I will never be what you want. I am the perfect friend for you because I can help you out whenever is needed but nothing more than that. You are not searching for someone to be equal to you. You want to be in charge, you like having power. I could never be that someone next to you. Not here, neither in the next life nor in the previous.
It's perfect being your friend. It's so very convenient. Peaceful. You are complex enough; you would never be with someone as messed up as me. Never. Not in billion years.
Hope was never consciously present yet seeing you for who you are makes me calmer, brighter.
I thought we were the same... well, we think the same sometimes but that's all, isn't it?
We are, in fact, so different.
The more time passes, the less I define myself through my thoughts. Once I realised what sick of a brain I have, I started trusting everything else flowing around me.
I love what you feel like.
You are ego driven.
I could never be with you.
You know I keep thinking... I define my life by not being loved by you. If anyone would ask me who I am, I would say "the girl who loves and is not loved back". But is that all there is? Is it such a tragedy? not really.
It is just the next thing on the list that I thought I want, that I will not get.
Humility.
It feels peaceful... not fighting what I feel. It's all me - drowning in my sadness, rising, diving in my happiness. I can afford it. I have the infinite time to do this over and over again, learning something new with each cycle... until the day I heal.
I really believed you were like me but that thought only put so much expectations. You are you; I am me. Us is an illusion that I would love a little too much.

Reality check.
Perhaps you will never change. I can't provoke any changes in you. Just be yourself. Pointing out issues does nothing good but make me stuck.
Probably I will never grow to be the person I want. Maybe I won't have the family I think I deserve.
But would it be such a tragedy? not really.
Just the next thing on that list.

late night thinking

I don't want you. I don't want you. I don't want you.
We don't fit. We don't fit. We don't fit. We don't fit. We don't fit.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I don't want you. I don't want you. I don't want you. I don't.
I don't want you. I don't want you. I don't want you.
Please stay away from me. I am fragile, please stay away.
I don't want you close to me. I love you but we are not right. Let's take a break. Please let me go. Let me breathe.
Get out of my mind. Get out of my system. Stop letting me close. You are toxic. My heart hurts. It might be love but you make me sick in my brain. You heal me but not having you is destroying me. We are not right. I am wrong.
You will also pay for what happened. I will love you forever.
I really love you. So much. It hurts. Why are we so wrong?
I can't do this anymore. We could be something great.
What we are is not enough for me. I am all in or out. I keep compromising though. What are we? Are we special? no
You feel like the sun, but not my sun, are you? Leave me.
I love you. I hate you. I need to put barriers again.
It feels like I am nothing but also often everything. What is the deal with that? What is going on again?
Can I please have some time to clear myself from you? Who are you? Who am I? Who are we? There is no 'we'? There will always be me and you separately.
We will never be. "Us" is an illusion. My soul is pure. I am pure. I love. I want to run away. Run away with me.
You wouldn't, would you? Of course not.

Goodbye, Love

midday thoughts

Get out of my mind, please. What have you been doing there again? How long are you visiting this time?
I need you to leave. Now. Right in this moment, Love. Please, leave.
I want you far.
Where am I?
Why am I riding this thunderstorm again?
Chaos.
Tears?
Run!
Do you miss me?
I want you.
I want you close.
...
I need you far though.
I am vulnerable.
How did I end up here? Why did I let you in?
What is the lesson I need to learn from you?
Why did I have to fall in love with you? Did I make everything complicated?
Why you? Who are you?
Why are you not next to me? Oh, I know. I know, it won't ever be me. It shouldn't be you either.
Chaos.
I've always been a rainstorm. Little paradox. A fluid.
Is love blind?
Am I an idiot?
Who am I?
Why can I feel you?
...
I miss you.

under my skin

Who are you?
What am I?
Where are we?
What would the final destination be?
Why did we meet?
Do we fit? Is it that you fit to me and that’s all there is?
What is love? What is the warm feeling I get when I lay my head on your shoulder? Where does this calmness from feeling your skin go to? How do all these things propagate through me? Follow the details, that’s where you will find my unshielded self.
What are you?
Who am I?
Why do you feel like home? Why can I cope with you? Why do I want to drown myself in you? Why do you let me?
Where am I going? Will I feel you all the way?
Do you love me?
Do I love you?
How did you infect me with yourself? Why did I let you? How? When? Was it that one moment? Or was it that other one?
Where am I? Why do I want you close?
Could I just shortly show you how I love? no.
Am I lucky that I can love purely and unconditionally? Is it an illness?
Can I please let it out of me for a bit?
Can I just sit next to you and feel you? Why do you feel so nice even without any touch?
Where are you?
Why am I?
Fuzzy brain. White skin. Freckles, moles, sunspots. Fluid soul.
Eyes with the color of the sea. Handy hands. Worried mind. A big soul.
Where am I? Why you?
Unclear self. Symbiosis. Infinity.
Where to now?