calm but messy

I will never be what you want. I am the perfect friend for you because I can help you out whenever is needed but nothing more than that. You are not searching for someone to be equal to you. You want to be in charge, you like having power. I could never be that someone next to you. Not here, neither in the next life nor in the previous.
It's perfect being your friend. It's so very convenient. Peaceful. You are complex enough; you would never be with someone as messed up as me. Never. Not in billion years.
Hope was never consciously present yet seeing you for who you are makes me calmer, brighter.
I thought we were the same... well, we think the same sometimes but that's all, isn't it?
We are, in fact, so different.
The more time passes, the less I define myself through my thoughts. Once I realised what sick of a brain I have, I started trusting everything else flowing around me.
I love what you feel like.
You are ego driven.
I could never be with you.
You know I keep thinking... I define my life by not being loved by you. If anyone would ask me who I am, I would say "the girl who loves and is not loved back". But is that all there is? Is it such a tragedy? not really.
It is just the next thing on the list that I thought I want, that I will not get.
Humility.
It feels peaceful... not fighting what I feel. It's all me - drowning in my sadness, rising, diving in my happiness. I can afford it. I have the infinite time to do this over and over again, learning something new with each cycle... until the day I heal.
I really believed you were like me but that thought only put so much expectations. You are you; I am me. Us is an illusion that I would love a little too much.

Reality check.
Perhaps you will never change. I can't provoke any changes in you. Just be yourself. Pointing out issues does nothing good but make me stuck.
Probably I will never grow to be the person I want. Maybe I won't have the family I think I deserve.
But would it be such a tragedy? not really.
Just the next thing on that list.


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