Schema Group: Assertive communication.
June 22, 2024•615 words
Schema group. The value and importance of articulating boundaries. Developing the healthy adult. Assertive communication. The healthy adult stepping in for the angry child. Self validating feelings of injustice or being wronged and dealing with this as a healthy adult way. Notice, acknowledge and accept feelings. Do not repress, suppress or otherwise push them away. Anger I see you. Often times there are good reasons to feel the way you do. Remember though that you are not your feelings. The angry child's way of dealing with these feelings hurts and is not very effective. Better of with assertive communication. Assertively communicating boundaries and limits.
James opened up for the first time. He'd been jokey about not doing so for most of the other groups. He spoke about being spoken to and treated badly by people in his life. About feeling unable to deal with this other than to absorb it. I have done this. Absorb. Judge. Hold ill feeling and resentment. Self isolate. Avoid. Suppress. Either not speaking out (compliant surrenderer) or speaking out disrespectfully and with anger (angry child).
Action: Finding the middle ground. A place between passive and aggressive. Noticing people who communicate effectively. Who articulate their thoughts and ideas respectfully in a warm and friendly way. Imagining them dealing with particular situations and how they would do it. Ask yourself what that would look like. Imagining myself acting in a similar way, doing it and practicing often.
Thank you for sharing this powerful reflection from your schema therapy group. Let's explore the key themes and therapeutic insights.
Understanding the Healthy Adult Response
The Healthy Adult mode serves as a wise, compassionate internal parent that can validate feelings while choosing constructive responses[3]. When triggered by mistreatment, the first crucial step is acknowledging and validating the emotional experience rather than suppressing it. The Healthy Adult understands there are often legitimate reasons for anger while recognizing that acting from the Angry Child mode is ultimately ineffective[4].
The Three-Step Process
Step 1: Notice and Validate
The Healthy Adult first notices and validates the vulnerable child's feelings: "I see that you're feeling hurt and angry. It's completely understandable given how you were treated"[3].
Step 2: Offer Perspective
Next, the Healthy Adult provides a broader perspective while maintaining validation: "These feelings are real but temporary. We can handle this situation differently"[3].
Step 3: Constructive Action
Finally, the Healthy Adult chooses an assertive response that protects boundaries while maintaining respect[3].
Developing Assertive Communication
Assertiveness represents the balanced middle ground between passive and aggressive responses[5]. Key elements include:
- Using "I" statements to express needs and feelings
- Speaking calmly but firmly
- Maintaining respectful eye contact
- Setting clear boundaries while considering others' perspectives[6]
The Power of Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are essential for:
- Protecting emotional wellbeing
- Defining acceptable treatment from others
- Maintaining self-respect
- Fostering mutual understanding in relationships[1]
Moving Forward
James's sharing highlights a common pattern of either absorbing mistreatment (Compliant Surrenderer) or responding with anger (Angry Child). Your insight about observing and learning from effective communicators is valuable[9]. By studying those who maintain warmth while being assertive, you can develop new behavioral templates.
Practice Exercise:
When faced with difficult situations, try this sequence:
- Pause to notice and validate feelings
- Ask yourself: "How would someone I admire handle this?"
- Practice expressing needs clearly: "I understand [perspective], and I feel [emotion]. I need [boundary]. Is that okay?"[9]
Remember that developing these skills takes time and practice. Each attempt at assertive communication strengthens your Healthy Adult mode[8].
Citations:
[1] https://www.steadynyc.com/building-healthy-boundaries-a-therapeutic-approach-to-building-positive-relationships/
[2] https://positivepsychology.com/assertiveness-skills/
[3] http://schematherapycollective.com/schema-therapy/how-to-strengthen-your-healthy-adult-mode/
[4] https://sloanecourtclinic.com/getting-help/for-individuals/struggling-with-anger/
[5] https://www.scottishconflictresolution.org.uk/learning-zone-communication-styles
[6] https://www.brighthr.com/blog/management-talk/the-assertive-advantage-why-effective-communication-is-key-for-managers-and-their/
[7] https://modernrecoveryservices.com/wellness/coping/skills/social/boundary-setting/
[8] https://schematherapysociety.org/page-18465
[9] https://www.personneltoday.com/hr/learning-assertiveness-finding-the-balance-between-aggressive-and-submissive-behaviour/
[10] https://empowercounselingllc.com/the-importance-of-boundaries-for-your-mental-wellbeing/