Inner Work

We have a new member. Tony. A clinical psychologist. Time for introductions. We do the rounds. Saying what we are working on in the group. I say I am working on improving my experience of others and improving others experience of me. Sullivan seemed very happy to hear that. Bruce says he is working on saying what he is feeling / thinking. Getting over self censorship. Tony likes this. Tony is responding to people like a therapist. Validating what they are saying. I'm already thinking I wo...

Schema group. Back after the half term break. I kicked things off by sharing that I noticed having been triggered at work. Spoke about using Tara Bach's RAIN framework. I said I had found it surprisingly effective. Activated the healthy adult mode in the nourish stage. The anger quickly dissipated. Sullivan points out the angry child is there to protect the vulnerable child. Practice using the healthy adult. Overtime you will allow the vulnerable child to feel what it feels. To appreciate the fe...

Schema group. We have a new group facilitator starting today. Seyf. A replacement for Hope. Thinking about group process. Storming, norming and performing. With the way Hope left and the anger towards Sullivan I'm thinking we will be doing more storming and norming and than performing today. Sullivan asks what is the dominant coping mode / style as we go into the break. Dominant coping styles. Detached protector => detached self soother => avoiding uncomfortable feelings. Schema are re...

Schema group. Last week Sullivan gave us all some homework to do: Tolerate a bit more discomfort in something you approach. What discomfort are you going to develop tolerance for. That was then but this is now. I am going to work on not avoiding the uncomfortable anticipation of not being wanted, not being loved, not being accepted, and of being rejected. What did I do? Spouse and I went out on Sunday night. I'd been out all the previous the day and till 4 am Sunday on a long bike ride. I'd s...

Schema group: Sullivan is here. Hope is not. Apologies given but without any explanation for his absence. Paul looked distressed and put out by this. Who knows? I can only speculate. I'm guessing that Sullivan and Hope had a frank exchange following last weeks group. That Sullivan asserted herself and that Hope took issue with this and was now considering his position. I'm glad Sullivan triumphed if that was the case. I have more confidence in her skills than I do of Hopes. I question though why...

This weeks group. I was ten minutes late. Tuning in now. Clement is talking. I experience him as whiny and selfish. Self indulgent. Clement seldom if ever acknowledges me in the group. I am pretty sure there's something about me he finds irritating. Thinking that is taking my mind of the wider group process. Paul is talking. Paul is still going on about the group facilitator he felt bullied by. He's now asking Sullivan what her feelings are about the whole issue. Sullivan was the co facilitat...

Schema group: Paul comes in straight away. He says he is feeling very nervous after last week, "like a pretrauma". He says last week was very difficult for him. That he did not feel safe in the group. That he was feeling a need for his healthy adult to protect his vulnerable child. That it left him in a difficult place having to listen to things that are not right. He's letting rip. He's giving himself permission to say what he feels. What he feels is not very well processed. He's having a bit o...

Schema group. First one after a two week break. Feeling a little disconnected. Not having put in a lot of thought or effort in the process. I shared that just to get into the space. I'm listening and looking to notice my reactions. Clair is talking. She is full of angst. Holding onto something that came up for her from the last group. Hope is clumsily getting everyone to check in. He's closed down Clair and Bruce from sharing. I'm already thinking time will be wasted. I am noticing my critici...

Schema group. Last one I shall be attending. Missed last week. Logged in at 0950. It was my birthday. I was otherwise occupied with birthday stuff. Paul is talking. How he subjugates himself and does not speak about whats on his mind. He goes onto speak about what's on his mind. Work related. Someone asked for a pay rise. Paul was triggered how the person was asked and how he responded. He did not respond in the way he would have liked to. He did not say what he wanted to say and got really upse...

First group of the new year. The new term. Clair said she felt said. I asked what she was sad about. She was sad about not feeling feelings. In the past mostly. Making an effort in the future. Sullivan said what I was thinking that she was feeling her feelings (being sad) and that that was good. I spoke up. Shared what I have been noticing. Taking risk. Feeling closer to people. Spontaneously expressing feelings. Seeing my brother in law giving the man a big hug at Christmas and not feeling co...

Thoughts from the last group in December. If we wait until we feel comfortable before acting we might end up waiting for ever. Don't wait. Feeling uncomfortable is the beginning state. Gradual desensitization will work. Often taking action is easier for me than verbalising the intent behind it. Discomfort avoidance. Something to be aware of and watch for. The body and mind is drawn to homeostasis. It's normal to fear the unknown. I'm thinking whether now is the time to stop attending groups. I...

There's a woman at work I find infuriating. The level of annoyance if feel towards her seems a bit over the top. 99% of our contact is in Teams meetings. When I see her in person I feel much less antipathy towards her. The things I find annoying about her are around what I see, hear and perceive. Other peoples experience of her will I am sure differ from mine. Okay with that caveat lets see if I can articulate what it is I get so riled up about. The way she talks. She speaks softly, slowly ...

Schema group. Pre-group reflection. Thinking about last weeks journal. What does emotional intimacy mean to me? Bit scary. Vulnerable. Uncomfortable. Letting others know, to see me. Not hiding behind a protective front. Not sure what I think will happen. Not sure what it is I am protecting myself from. What it is I am scared of. What's so bad about me I don't want others to see? There is nothing bad about me. I suppose it comes down to a deep seated self judgement. Of not being good enough. Ju...

Reflections before group. I see bits of me in bits of you. Bits I've denied, suppressed, or repressed. Not all bad or all good. Not bad or good at all. Just whats there. Just bits. Like a mirror reflecting back. Fragmented parts of a hologram each piece holding the whole image when seen from a certain angle and in the right light. I feel connected and part of you all. I feel great about this. Grateful, happy, excited. The awareness extends beyond the group. It connects me with everything. I fee...

I am in group and writing this. It's to keep me from zoning out, from switching off. Listening to Clement. He is speaking about feeling let down, abandoned, not taken care of the way he feels he should be. By his brothers. Clement said he'd told his younger brother that he did not want to live. That he was upset with his brother for not doing anything in response. He'd asked his brother to lobby his ex-girlfriend to speak with him. Clement said that he'd wanted to speak with her to help process ...

Just over a year ago I first learned about Carl Jungs concept of the shadow. I started to explore my own shadows. This soon led to revisiting attachment styles. I completed The Attachment Projects - Attachment Quiz. I'd suspected for a good while I had an insecure attachment style. This was because of the way I felt and handled myself with others. I felt awkward. I often did not know what to say in social situations and groups. I was very slow and reluctant to openly disclose my feelings. I woul...

Been nearly three weeks since the last group. We are on a break. I don't recall much of what other people had to share. I spoke about my reflections on the previous group. Of the gas-lighter woman and the critical dismissive man. Speculating that perhaps an overcompensating mode was behind the all or nothing approach I have tended towards. About not giving myself permission to shine. Hiding my light under a bushel. About listening to Tara Bach speak about her Recognise.Allow.Investigate.Nurture ...

Schema group. Bruce spoke about noticing his feelings. About how new this felt to him. About how he had in the past used alcohol and then gambling as a distraction in the past. A distraction from uncomfortable feelings. He sounded vulnerable and authentic. I felt closer to him for what he said. I told him so and wished him well. It was a good start. We did the rounds with most checking in. Time and attention did not rest with anyone for longer than others. This left time for Hope to speak mo...

Schema group. The first twenty minutes or so was given over to Todd. He'd not been been in the last few groups after this term started. He'd decided to move on from the group and had been invited to come back in to work through the process of leaving. I wished him well and good luck. I was the first to do so after listening him speak about his reasons for going. There was a bit of a spark in him. For sure he still has issues. Feeling like an outsider. Not accepted. A wallflower. Whether being i...

Schema group. Hope and Sullivan changed tact. Hope hurried people up. He shut people down. Much more time was spent talking about theory than ever before. Explaining mode maps. Last term they both said we would develop our individual mode maps. We never did. Seems like they have reflected on that and feel they need to follow up. The thing that chimed with me was about the contented or happy child on the mode map being symbolic of our propensity and ability to be happy and playful now. The con...

Schema Group. The first of a new term. Did not anticipate I would still be doing these after the sessions ended in July. It was the extra group in August that had me thinking there was benefit to keep going with it. Just one or two remarks or questions are often all that's needed to prompt reflection. In August it was a question about what I was feeling. This week everyone was asked to say something about what had gone well. Where had our benevolent adult intervened. Paul was the first to spea...

This was an extra group. Between the end of the summer and start of the Autumn term. As often happens the session started slowly. I was going to write I was impatient. It was not impatience I felt. More not wanting the time we had to be wasted. I said I was wiling to share what was going on for me while offering the floor to anyone who wanted to speak first. No one did. Sullivan invited me to share how I felt. Instead I spoke about what I had been thinking about, noticing. Modes and my healthy...

Noticed yesterday feeling uncomfortable in the company of a niece and a bit awkward around other extended family. It was at the parents 60th wedding anniversary. An impressive commitment to one another. And there I was feeling not entirely at ease in myself around others. I ducked out. I suggested to my boys that we go down the beach. It's become a bit of a tradition for us to do so when we visit their grandparents. We go to the shoreline and throw pebbles at a red metal cage some way out at the...

It was the last schema group this week. At least I thought it was. Turns out there is a process for leaving, which Sullivan said takes four weeks. She said I was free to leave anytime if that was what I wanted however there is a process to do so which is recommended. I agreed straight away to 'follow your guidance'. It felt proper to do so. I may well have been in compliant surrenderer mode. Neither her nor Hope picked up on or asked about that. I think they could have. I did not say much agai...

Schema group today. We listened to Paul opening up. I felt no affinity towards Paul. I judged him negatively. Pompous and self absorbed. That's an aspect of my shadow projected. He goes to church and church groups. I feel disdain towards that. In my mind I have decided he is a business owner. No sure if that is true. I was repelled by his facial expressions. I found the language he used and the way he spoke indulgent and grandiose. Unaware avoidance and pseudo intellectualising. Found my self t...

Schema group. The value and importance of articulating boundaries. Developing the healthy adult. Assertive communication. The healthy adult stepping in for the angry child. Self validating feelings of injustice or being wronged and dealing with this as a healthy adult way. Notice, acknowledge and accept feelings. Do not repress, suppress or otherwise push them away. Anger I see you. Often times there are good reasons to feel the way you do. Remember though that you are not your feelings. The an...

Schema group. I heard what others said today. I did not speak other than at the end to say I had not received a hand out that was mentioned. Sullivan asked me to check again as she 'knew' I'd been sent it. I told her I had looked carefully after last weeks session and had not received it. She said it came with other attachments with the one I did get. I knew that it had not. She reminded me of being told by other's in my life that one thing was true when I knew that it was not. I did not feel an...

Group today. Started with a an invitation for people to share any instances over the last week where the healthy adult had a positive influence over any of their maladaptive modes. Paul spoke about going on a three day boat trip with a small group of friends. His anxiety was that he would be left out and become the runt of the group. That he would respond by hiding away and isolating himself. That did not happen. He had a good time and felt part of the social group. He said something about how h...

Schema group. We were invited to share what's going on. I offered that progress was being made. I was making progress. I suggested others were too. This was simply to be inclusive. Bruce then went on for a fair bit about a dream he had had. About how this dream came about as a result of sharing something painful with the group a couple of weeks ago that he had kept to himself for a long time. It was about his dad's dying words to him, which were 'piss off'. In his dream there was a different en...

Schema group today. I sat and listened to what others had to share. I heard words. I felt a little of their emotions. I worked on listening to others and not falling back into myself. My internal dialogue. When the time came, a suitable silence, I spoke up. I shared what I had reflected on from last weeks group. It was authentic and from my heart. I wondered how I could go over and beyond the cognitive wall of understanding and break free from the Early Maladaptive Schemas (EMS). I went ahead an...