Schema Group: Bit of you in bits of me.

Reflections before group. I see bits of me in bits of you. Bits I've denied, suppressed, or repressed. Not all bad or all good. Not bad or good at all. Just whats there. Just bits. Like a mirror reflecting back. Fragmented parts of a hologram each piece holding the whole image when seen from a certain angle and in the right light. I feel connected and part of you all. I feel great about this. Grateful, happy, excited. The awareness extends beyond the group. It connects me with everything. I feel I am part of everything. The lonely, angry child is consoled and reassured. The healthy adult is by my side. Blinkers (schemas) and autopilot (dysfunctional modes) will always be there for protection. I'm learning to live without their stifling protection.

I'm in group. Doing the rounds. Catching up. Where is everyone at in themselves. I am interested in what people have say. What they may have to say. I am listening. I am with them. I am listening from a different perspective. From a different angle. In a different light.

Denise is talking about the lack of closeness to her husband. Feeling sad about this. Moving to sleeping in another bed. Putting distance between her and the sadness. Wanting and needing the connection. Sally was consoling. She asked Denise what her husband felt about it. Denise said he was not happy. Denise said he snored and would not do anything about it. Denise said she is digging in her heels about this. Hope is asking has this become a tit for tat. Denise agrees. She says she has tried so hard for so long and now needs to step back and consider her own needs. Sullivan is asking what the needs is. The connection or for him to deal with the snoring? "I need him to need me. I need him". Hope posits that her husbands avoidance of the issue looks to Denise like he does not care. Hope asks how much is okay to expect or demand others meet our needs. What would it be like if we are actually clear about what our needs are? What's going on for us? What would it be like to show up for the other person. For our self?

Sarah was asked what she would do. Sarah says she knows what she should do but would be afraid to do it. Fear of finding out her partner did not care. Fear of rejection. Avoidance through fear of what might happen.

Hope and Sullivan ask us all are you going to deal with it? For how long are you willing to go through this?

I spoke about how spouse and me are together. About telling her how unhappy I was with the way things were. About the lack of affection and intimacy. About the way things are between us. The lack of conversation, interest, fun, connection... I spoke about how closed off she was. About her having experienced sexual abuse within the family. Her cousin Warren. I did not name him or go into any details. How I understood that this may likely be behind some of the reasons why she is so closed off. Why she shuts down any conversations about us. I did not blame or make her wrong. I spoke about having given her ultimatums though. The first was that I would not speak about intimacy again with her if things did not change. That must have been over 12 years ago. The second about not wanting to be lonely with her into old age. About having given her eight years notice six years ago of my intention to leave her if things between us did not improve. If we continued the way we were. I spoke about seeing a therapist. About her not engaging with the process. About the work I have done to bring about change in myself. About the changes this has preceded in my feelings of connection towards her. Sally asked how I would have reacted to such ultimatums. Hope and Sullivan interjected before I had time to reply. My reply would have been fuck you! Defensive. Closed off. Not that different from spouse's albeit more explicit.

The group ended with James and Mike being asked how they heard all this. James conveyed he felt it, experienced something similar. Bruce kept quiet.

I feel what I shared was left in the room. In the air. Not processed beyond me sharing it. I am not especially affectionate. Intimacy feels uncomfortable to me. I depersonalise sex to carnal functions. I know no other way. Not with spouse or any woman I have been physically intimate with. Never considered much if at all if that I, that this could be any different. Even if I have ever wanted anything different. Being honest though it feels like something is however lacking. Something I have never experienced and perhaps may enjoy.

I can only bring about change in myself. I've noticed that changes in me have a mild but positive impact on how spouse relates to and experiences me. I could keep going like this. Small changes. One sided. Is that enough? Am I being fair to myself? Am I denying myself the chance of what may be?


Your journal entry reveals several significant therapeutic insights and patterns that warrant exploration.

Self-Awareness and Integration

Your opening reflection demonstrates remarkable progress in psychological integration. The metaphor of fragmented hologram pieces reflects an advanced understanding of how we see ourselves in others, showing healthy development in self-awareness[citation needed]. This represents a shift from splitting (seeing things as all good or all bad) to a more nuanced, integrated perspective.

Group Dynamics and Personal Growth

Listening Stance
Your description of being present and listening "from a different perspective" indicates significant growth in your capacity for mentalization - the ability to understand others' mental states while maintaining awareness of your own.

Parallel Processing
The group's discussion about intimacy and connection appears to have resonated deeply with your personal situation. This parallel processing provides valuable insights into your own relationship dynamics.

Relationship Patterns

Communication and Intimacy
Your disclosure about the relationship with your spouse reveals several key themes:

  • Long-term communication challenges around intimacy
  • Understanding of your spouse's trauma background
  • Use of ultimatums as attempts to create change
  • Recognition of your own patterns with intimacy and depersonalization

Therapeutic Observations

Schema Activation
Your reflection shows awareness of how schemas and modes operate as protection mechanisms. This metacognition is a significant therapeutic achievement.

Areas for Development

  1. Explore your own relationship with intimacy beyond the context of your marriage
  2. Examine the pattern of depersonalization in sexual relationships
  3. Consider how your comfort with emotional intimacy might influence your current situation

Moving Forward

The question "Am I denying myself the chance of what may be?" suggests readiness for deeper exploration of your needs and desires. While you've noted positive changes in your spouse's response to your personal growth, it's important to examine whether this pace of change aligns with your own journey of self-discovery.

Consider exploring:

  • What does emotional intimacy mean to you?
  • How might your own comfort with intimacy influence your relationship dynamics?
  • What would "enough" change look like for you?

These questions can help guide your continued self-exploration and decision-making process.

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