Silence to Sound

Eighty days of silent meditation. Finding those moments after work to sit and absorb the sound outside my city apartment supported me to see within, to find stillness and acceptance in a post-pandemic world.

Summer arrived, I caught the flu, and I heard there was a bug going about. After a week of fever, snot and sweat, it was gone. I woke one morning with a pitch emanating from my left inner ear. I was too quick to halt my disrupted meditation practice, thinking, "It'll Shift!"

...It didn't!

In the past, I met people with tinnitus, and the idea of it always filled me with dread. Now, here I am with the sound getting louder, destroying my sleep and causing sensitivity to sound.

A visit to a chiropractor to explore neck and jaw issues didn't address the situation. GP analysed blocked sinus tubes and provided meds. Nothing!

Continual Nights of dog whistles in my head, Sleeplessness anxiety drew me toward mild sedatives creating more worry about addiction and reliance on the need for sleep. I made an unhealthy anxiety loop.

But wait, stillness does not need silence. It needs presence and acceptance, and care. Sound is with us irrespective of what can be heard. Everything vibrates within its frequency.

Practical and positive resources need to be absorbed when life brings struggle—acceptance of my contribution towards hearing damage is also primary. The use of headphones has increased over the past two years. Not just for me but for broader society.

Unable to use headphones has ironically pushed me it a world that IS there, and I now listen to a world that I shut out for a long time.

Ninety days of constant sound unconsciously placed me into a more profound solitude. I halted meditation; I have been spending time wanting to escape from it rather than seek acceptance.

Within this fearful emptiness, I have found a key to my identity, not the mask of the ideal developed self. Humility holds me when there is no guide rail.

"Dare to walk through the valley of darkness, dare to dig deep into the mud and shit of your past, to spew out the suppressed energies that are seemingly so scary.
Be courageous and humble enough to be a warrior of the heart. This is an act of love, an act of kindness to yourself." - Amoda Maa

Finding kindness in the self opens the window to the resources needed for healing. Opening up about my condition with colleagues and friends, I realise it is possible to confidently integrate tinnitus into the being rather than run away from it. The core of tinnitus retraining revolves around cognitive and holistic therapies, both of which I have ( as "Observed" shows) have been core to my life. The difference here is that it is not about development; it's about clearing a path; as I age, imperfections will come with me; personal attitude determines how they are carried.

Observing known methods from a fresh angle provides a pathway to revealing something deeper from perceived struggles. Carrying a sound in my ear can be as light or heavy as I want it to be.