Katalyst

- An agent that provoke change or speed significant change or action - Awareness that the ripple of change begins within

It Pierces and Teaches

It started small, I thought it would pass, but tinnitus crept up. Early on, I passed this buzz off trapped nerve or crick in the neck. That was my first assessment, so I got a chiropractor to click things back into place.

It remains; a week later, I woke to what can only be described as an inescapable dog whistle. I did everything I could to drown it out, background tv, laundry tumble dryer, even tried (a terrible idea) headphones, but nothing. Sleeping became impossible, so I had to call mental a health helpline to distract me.

Going to work, although a struggle, distracts the sound as I have to engage and serve with others. People see I am tired, but I endeavour to remain chipper. Becoming overactive "doing" provide the exhaustion needed to get some sleep, but as soon as something woke me up at night, I am up. So, go out, run or walk. The wind and ambient noise help drown it out.

A friend helped, providing some mild sedatives; I got some deep rest, waking the sound subsided, thinking, "IM CURED" I returned to the old habit of listening on headphones ( another bad Idea). The day after the dog whistle returned.

That was 24 hrs ago. Waking this morning, I noted the sound flux in and out. The "flux in" happens when walking to and from work near a considerable amount of tower block construction sites.

My ears have been damaged; how is yet to be seen, but how can they heal when being bombarded by the natural city sounds 24/7 (I live centrally)?

Returning home today, I was tired of sound, but I noted the tinnitus reduced or relaxed. I chose not to put on TV to distract but rather seize the moment to breathe into the silence I found myself in, returning to seated silent meditation.

I let the sound outside my window land while accepting any frequency within me. I breathed and used meditation beads to count. I began to see the tree from my window again, find the silence within me, and accept the healing done by sitting in stillness.

Pain and reactive escape are often paired. Escaping provides more chaos; take time, be patient and discover a compassionate place to escape.

Travelling

Be a traveller; not a tourist.

▪️ Take your time
▪️ Don't follow the herd
▪️ Get off the beaten path
▪️ Enjoy the little moments
▪️ Don't be afraid to get lost
▪️ In no hurry to reach the destination

After all, you get to go on this journey only once.

The Work

There is work to be done, but only in the self. When and how it is done is a personal choice. Please take what you own, half it. If enough is left, half it again. Now, with less distraction, the self becomes exposed. New distractions will be tempting, look inward for answers. The self needs to know you, without the external. We distract ourselves as fear grips our hearts. Allow freedom to permeate, and distraction will subside, exposing true purpose and inner contentment.

Master Gardener

She who cuts with blades of master gardener;
Finds growth in the lost,
Toils earth, discovers the heart,
Tends sprouts,nurtures family,
Honours her man
Holds her child
Nourishes the community
Connects with light
Enlivening the world
The great mother unites.

Freeing the Mother

The day started calmly. My sister and I woke early; my nephew was a bit slower. Caring as always, my sister prepared a picnic for later. Although she was playing it cool, I sensed her excitement in our adventure to the 'Tap of noth' Rhynie, Scotland. Mum joined us, gently placed into my rucksack, as the final leg of her journey in our world drew closer.

Driving and listening to Ludovico Euandi, our chat brought joyful memories to the surface. I found a presence here with my family.

Arriving at the base, sister and nephew expressed trepidation at the steep sections of the climb. Navigating cattle gates, the damp grass seeped through our socks until we met the gravelled incline to the summit.

Precipitation fluxed, jacket on = dry + jacket off = cool down, was the functional equation of the walk. Small steps and deep breaths supported the flow of movement and heightened awareness of the now.

Overlooking the 360 summit view, the wind blew our attention toward Rhynie at the valley's depth. Mums home, Mums Roots.

A bank of Scottish Heather (my sister's name) with a large rock beckoned as a final resting place and landmark overlooking the valley. We all agreed this felt right.

I was tentative in opening the vessel that held my mother's remains, and I found space, breathed and tipped it over, zig-zagging across the bank of heather, watching the dust blow toward her home. I stopped and called my sister over to continue; as she approached, I held her close and reminded her of my love. With her effort, Mum was freed on to the wind. My nephew took over from his mother, the youngest generation of our family, rightly saying goodbye to the oldest one he knew.

The wind was still with us, but I spoke the Tao Te Ching(V52) words over the gusts.

"The world has a source: the world's mother.
Once you have the mother, You know the children.
Once you know the children, Return to the mother.
Your body dies. There is no danger.
Block the passage, Bolt the gate: No strain Until your life ends.
Open the passage, Take charge of things
No relief Until your life ends.
Seeing the small is called brightness.
Maintaining gentleness is called strength.
Use this brightness to return to brightness.
Don't cling to your body's woes.
Then you can learn endurance."

We all took a breath, absorbed the view and readied for decent. A sense of completion fell over me. I was silent while my family spoke of the journey so far.

Bringing us level with valley walls, our descent firstly silenced the winds sheltered. I looked ahead to cloud breaking, and a vivid rainbow sat at the base of this historic hill. We all stood in awe, the universe providing us with a sign of alignment of our actions. I felt mum with us, watching and smiling.

Stopping for a picnic, the sky remained blue, and the sun shone. After sandwiches, my sweet tooth kicked in. My suggestion of going for coffee and cake (A fine piece) certainly was met with approval by all involved in the adventure, including mum.

Speaking with Father

I always visit him. It's nice to see someone leaves fresh flowers. Due to circumstances I do most of the speaking.

I let him know that like him , I'm not perfect , I rarely get thing right, and fearful letting people down.

I explained mum with be with the wind soon. She may have already joined him. They where soul mates, just crap a relationships.

Returning to roots, environments of child hood stir insights to the surface.

Standing there talking with dad , I found deep gratitude for him and mum. They got me to this place now, and even with all my struggles , who is to say I have lived my life wrong.

A good father helps a son overcome his doubt. Find a pathway, realise worth. Pity mine is not here to witness it. His spirit remains part of it, as it always has.

Meeting the Wind.

July 2020, our phone calls held more joy. She managed to get out for a "fine piece ( cream cake)" at the cafe and picnics in the gardens with her friend Amelia. The restrictions in Scotland seem north Korean in my view, so my daily phone calls connected mother and son with congruence. She articulated fear, not of sickness but being forgotten; this sat in her heart before the lockdowns (as it sits in mine). It taught me how isolation and oppression bring personal and societal vulnerabilities to the surface. She never realised how much I discovered when we spoke.

Autumn was approaching, and with the colder weather, she could not go out. Discussion of her legs feeling weaker filled me with concern. There was a tone of loss in her voice; depression took hold, her value forgotten. I reminded her of the courage she gave me. Her compassion rippled outwards through her children, and we all contribute our love in service to the world. 

My sister called; I booked a flight, hugged my sister, arrived at mum's bedside, held her hand and read her poetry. Then she was gone.

Remembering this time, as tomorrow I return to my family and roots. My sisters and I have grown closer. A blessing mum left us. 

Mum asked to be taken to "Tap o North", a hill looking over the place of her upbringing Rhynie, Scotland. Her ashes will meet the northern winds; her soul will join with nature. With closure comes connection, with family comes love, and with love comes light. 

Zen Torrettes

  • Important to work with nature of a the soul. None of us perform well when not aligned.

  • If we show the world a masked version of ourselves it will not treat us the way we want. As it does not see us.

  • If we learn to articulate our soul properly and accurately then people know where they stand with you.

  • Meditation , movement , walking, running followed by good meal, human connection and rest supports one centre.

  • When lost we live without chains.

  • Chosen struggle bring enduring lessons.

Now there is space to...

  • Switch off from work
  • focus on personal growth
  • reconnect with friend
  • build fresh Networks
  • remove lethargy
  • develop strength
  • build resilience
  • maintain wider commitments ( life/friends/work)
  • climb mountains swim rivers
  • dance
  • smile from the soul
  • pet the dragon
  • forgive myself
  • validate from the inside out.
  • cycle to woods
  • run the city
  • breathe
  • move
  • live

Lines for Living

  • I don't have time to rush
  • Willingness to be wrong invites truth
  • Do it on purpose and find out who you are.
  • There is no time, just an eternal now.
  • My presence radiates the potential for havoc.

Fear

The addiction to fear is on an industrial level. It provides people reason not to live as significant beings. The pre covid sedation of consumerism and tech was just the epidural to make sure people remain spineless when sovereignty is amputated form the soul.

Self Compassion Exercise

When I feel "Whats the point?"

I take a nice hot bath/meditate and remember these points

  • Was the task hard? ( How many others are attempting it)
  • Was I properly equipped? ( Sometimes You don't realise you need something until it not there)
  • Failure is not unique its just that society makes a lot of effort to hide theirs . I must own my failings.
  • Remember "Luck" is a feature of existence and sometimes it not on not on my side.
  • My worth is not dependent on external things. Separate achievement from love.
  • Like everything else , this too shall pass. Let the world move on.

Perception

Middle of this week, my casework seemed insurmountable. Reading, disseminating, communicating and absorbing fears can get exhausting. Something I note, when coming up to leave, the an emotional bottle necks appear on the calendar. "Must get stuff done, clear the decks." This thought process got too much by Thursday.

The sense of feeling "busy" does not sit well with me. I never use the word out loud. I fell back to a core productivity method , find deep work , leave the light threads to later. I picked a big three task, and by Friday all that remained was negotiable threads that can be delegated or rescheduled.

Inbox zero and clear action managers by 4.30pm. I reflected what other factors allowed this outcome. I noticed I didn't take on any new cases or task during duty. My influence on the team does land. When I began this role it was a manic rush to deal with duty inbox. Over the years I explained its better to frame it as a list. As it grows longer it identifies , truthfully, the capacity of the team.

This experience demonstrates that in this work its all about what I tell myself and how I let go of perceptions on how others will see me.

I quipped, "Imagine if pre-holiday case work days could be done all the time" the team laughed "It would kill us, and we would miss out on the banter that keeps us human"

It Begins

I realise now that 15 years ago was only the start of seeing who I am inside. I have pushed and pulled myself forward through many chapters to find the elusive self. All with one theme, to be accepted for who I am. Now, after martial arts, movement, career as advocate, I realise the narrative and dogmas that my energy fed into, striped me of my essence.

Since mum passed, I have worn her cross. I sit with myself in silence often. I visit churches where I value faith over religion.Days of active participation in dogma are behind me . Solitude has provide strength but exist because I don't feel safe in groups. In my loneliness, I begin to feel who I am. Still unknown,but felt. Its this feeling I attempt to articulate outward, its authentic residue landing where it needs to be. Feeling safe in my authenticity may provide me connections I crave.

I miss being loved. Not intimately , although that brings value, but just appreciated and checked in upon. Grateful that I have faith I can be loved, factors of the world after last two years have created a rift in all human connection, so its not just me. Uncertainty of people values seem ever present. Due to so much being thrown around, it can be challenging to snap out of the trance of bad "othering."

In centring my heart in silence, I begin to feel sincerity arriving toward me. Katherine at work always is there, regardless. I feel love for her because of this. Its her compassion for all, but especially for those who hold her up. Her strength and resilience, is something to emulate, the great feminine.