Grade school, ADHD, and origins of The Jester

As a kid I often felt dismissed, ignored, discouraged. Whenever I made a mistake a felt like I was being mocked, not by others, but by myself. There were definitely times where I was made fun of by others, even teachers, which didn't really hurt more in the moment but I think being mocked by teachers has had a bigger impact on me than kids whose names and faces I don't remember. This fed into my wanting to stop trying, because you can't say anything wrong if you don't give an answer. Of course that does mean I failed many classes.

At one point during during grade school, when my grades were first starting to fall, along with my motivation, I was given an assessment to see if I should be in the special ed. classes. I passed that test without issue but still had trouble focusing in class which led more to being mocked classmates and teachers.

My class was very unruly and rude, we made substitute teachers cry twice. One time, our entire class was given detention because of it, we were to sit still and silent for a half hour after school had ended (except the bus kids, they got to leave). I was not able to do this, I had to fiddle with something in my hands or look around the room, and because of this my teacher gave me detention for another day. I wasn't the only kid to get a 2nd day, but I think I was the only one there for the 3rd, 4th, 5th days because I couldn't sit still for a half hour and no adults around me thought this might be part of a bigger issue that I desperately needed help with. Really this should have been major indicator to everyone that I have ADHD or something else going on and the fact that it was constantly punished caused me so much stress.

My first time at summer school was 5th grade (maybe 6th?), and it was an in person one at Roxbury highschool. I had failed English and Spanish, so of course in summer school I had to take English, Math, and Geography because that makes sense.

The 2nd time I had summer school I got to do it online and only had to do the English class that I failed. I remember sitting in the dark in my room for much of that summer, mostly reading or playing games, just procrastinating my class work like usual.

One assignment was to write a poem, it was a recurring assignment, a new poem every week. I didn't feel creative enough to do that, so I mostly stole song lyrics. I took lyrics from multiple songs and made poems out of them, mostly Linkin Park and The Offspring, and a few others.

One song by The Offspring, "Pay the Man" has these lyrics:

Jester in the corner laughs without a sound
Jester in the corner, malady abounds

The Jester became a theme for my writing, I still have one of my submissions. Rereading this now it is obvious how much of the wording I pulled from "And the Hero Will Drown" by Story of the Year. Many of my submissions were like this, heavy influence, if not lines directly taken from songs. This was written when I was around 11 or 12, so my writing definitely could use some improvement though remember that this is not something such a young kid should be thinking...

He's always been there, the jester in the corner, for as long as our hero could remember. He's there at dawn taunting the Hero as he once again tries to start a bright new day. He's there at noon with that smirk on his painted face as our hero realizes that today isn't going to be his bright new day. At Dusk the taunting begins once more until tears fall from our brave hero's eyes. And as they hit the floor the jester in the corner laughs without a sound, mocking our broken hero. And the Hero did drown. Not in an ocean or a river but in a puddle. One of tears.

I've journaled off and on throughout my life and the Jester has been a frequent topic. He is that part of my mind that is laughing at me, mocking me worse than those around me ever could. He tells me there is no hope, that I will never be anything.

He is still there, that part has not gone away and never will, but this blog is, initially ateast, going to be about my journey with the Jester.