February 27, 2022•689 words
I'm slowly improving, and using the time to adjust in an environment where it's it's okay not to be okay. They want me here for about another 2.5 weeks or so, my risk assessments were quite high and for a while I was on 15 minute suicide watch. I would say, in short, that was warranted. I've decided to try hard not to die, though. I went though a period where I thought the only way to not feel like my heart was ripping out was to die, and there's still a massive hole in my life. I'm coming to terms with that, and I think it's the first time I've ever felt grief...and I really, really have.
Over time I'm feeling like I can understand the thing I most miss about H, and it's my best friend and my family. I think that when we've both had a bit more distance (months, maybe even years rather than weeks) I'll ask her then if she wants to be friends, but even now I suspect the answer will probably be no. It's clear to me that so much uncertainty for almost a full year meant that when she wanted to go non-contact all of the sadness and trauma that I'd been holding back hit me all at once. It's a lot to process, and I can see how much of my behaviour was driven by fear that she'd leave but was harmful and ultimately impossible for Harri to deal with.
I'm incredibly sad about our relationship ending, but I love her enough to understand that it's okay if she needs not to talk to me again. It's a lot to say that, and it feels like there are decades of slight loneliness there at what feels more like the death of a loved one. I don't take that grief lightly, it already almost killed me and there are waves where it's overwhelming. I'm getting better at managing that, but I think that feeling of loss will always be there in the same way that people feel about bereavements.
Yesterday was an initial assessment day for psych; that's quite a positive thing as it means that my 2019 referral (!) for ADHD might actually be actioned. That actually makes me a bit sad in retrospect; one of the reasons I was having so many difficulties was ADHD making situations where I knew that I had to do but could not do the simple task, and I had a lot of resultant shame for something that, in the broad view, is ultimately a difference in cognition that I asked for help with and got no medical support. When I think how we were in 2019 it's a regret to me that no help arrived.
My candidate diagnoses revolve around being slightly Asperger's but high functioning, having ADHD, and an emotional sadness that I have run from forever. The latter isn't something so simple, and we aren't sure if it's primarily chemically or psychologically based. There's almost certainly a blend. I did point out to them that one major cure to being sad and ashamed that you can't achieve things is to have treatment that lets you achieve things.
Outside of that, I'm curious to see the person I can be when I am having chemical assistance with ADHD in particular. If I can sit down, pay attention and be productive, I think I still have time in life to achieve good things. I've been thinking about asylum law a lot, but more about attempting to achieve happiness within myself rather than doing things to be impressive to others. A part of me is holding onto the idea that I deserve that, and that it's best for now not to kill myself until I see if this can work.
This has been difficult, but it's left me with a real appreciation of the people close to me. You're one of them, and I want to thank you for that and for being you. I really look forward to seeing you, and I'm hopeful that you'll eventually see what I'm like when I'm relaxed.