An unsent apology to H 25/2/22

I have finally been medicated with anti-anxiety medicine, and it has enabled me to see a lot of things differently even at an early stage in the therapeutic process. To see, ironically, how much anxiety has often affected my life. My full disclosure is that after you said we'd never talk again - and I finally, finally believed that - I broke, and I broke in a profound enough way that I was eventually hospitalised.

I think that crisis has been a long time coming. I have always needed people to believe I am okay, right back to when I was a child. When I was being disliked at school, I would come home and pretend that it was okay, because then Chris wouldn't think that I was broken. The problem was that it meant that people loved the shell, and not me, but when they disliked me it meant they saw my undesirability underneath. The more things were wrong, the more it was important to look okay, but the greater a divergence there was the more strain and sadness existed when maintaining that. It was, I now see, a perfect way to breed insecurity. There are two people who have properly known me until now: you and Helen.

I have identified the way in which I broke in Vietnam, and the fundamental change that that made. I think that I thought at that moment that I might not be enough because I couldn't do something, and that you'd leave. That was the moment where I felt wrongly that I had to pretend I wasn't so sad about breaking in small ways. I hadn't identified it quite as explicitly before now, but looking back I think that that was the thing that broke me for a year. The feeling of shame at having broken in smaller ways, and at not having been enough. That you'd seen my brokenness and would leave. That changed things because it meant that some of that submission was to prove that you wouldn't, and for a freedom from the fear that you thought that I was terrible. That was unfair to you, and it meant I was putting you in situations that were difficult for you so you could prove your devotion. That was not something that I realised the driver for until recently, but I think that's what it was. I wish I could have relaxed and let us love each other, and sometimes I did. Sometimes I could even relax enough to love myself.

I broke again in Ireland when you were unhappy at being there. I was so sad that I couldn't fix it, and unconsciously so anxious that you'd leave. Then there was P. What happened with her is and will remain one of my greatest regrets in life. I'm profoundly sorry. I, in more unstable times, now think that I used to move on from people to other people who could still believe I was good. At the time I started talking to her I talked about many emotional things to do with myself and how I was feeling, and I didn't realise that I could talk to you about them without you feeling revulsion towards me. I wanted you, but I also wanted to not hate myself. I lied to you about it, when it would have been much better just to say that I was talking about things and that that was emotional. It was so wrong and so stupid, and it's taken actually losing you and a mental health crisis to see that over the fear of admitting it to myself. I also want to explicitly say that I see how much that my lies and deceit over her hurt you. How much that betrayal of trust hurt you, and broke you, me, and us. I have no excuse for lying, and it was always unfair and so, so wrong. It wasn't and was never worth it.

It's taken me not having you to realise that you always would have supported, loved and been in love with me, that you didn't secretly want to withdraw from me, and that if I'd been able to admit that I needed to go to therapy and needed help without the fear that you'd think less of me for it rather than having an emotional affair we'd probably still be in love today. I will, for the rest of my life, regret that I didn't have that insight. My limitation meant I hurt both of us so much. You were worth the very best of me rather than an externalised fear and a lie. I feel I must have been impossible to live with then, when we were apart, and then again once we loved together again. I'm so sorry that so much of this has become apparent only after the fear that drove so much of that was realised.

I want you to know that I don't hate you for going. I do think that coming back was an amazing thing, and I absolutely see how much it took to do that. How much you thought I was worth effort and love. I'm sorry even that was drowned out by my fear. I also want you to know that I always was in love with you, and during the time that you did come back I was increasingly paralysed by fear that you'd leave again. That much must have been obvious towards the end.

I've thought about the alternative futures. I wish I'd been able to see how much you loved and were in love with me before the end. I wish I'd had the anti-anxiety medicine earlier. That the NHS had cared about the ADHD. But ultimately, it was my responsibility as a person and as a dominant to be better, and I have accepted that. I don't blame you, and I want to again say that I'm sorry. I can see why being made to perform wanting me was harmful and traumatic for you.

There has been such a long time of me being desperate and anxious at the thought of you leaving, and I think that that was driven by a thought that I wasn't enough that I couldn't deal with whilst desperately wanting something so precious as us.

I'm doing what I can now see I always should have done, and what you deserved me to do. I'm working on loving myself after a time where I did a bit when we met and then didn't and hurt you. I'll keep trying to be better for me and the people around me, and I have a care plan for myself that I intend to follow.

One of the ironic events is that I think I'm finally getting a prescription for ADHD tomorrow; a profound driver of that insecurity was sitting there in times of stress knowing that a simple task needed to be done and hating myself for not being able to do that. I've thought a lot about that lately. I think that it's important to be kind to myself for a chemical difference that I didn't choose and profoundly wanted to defeat.

The medical staff were sympathetic about my ADHD referral not coming up since 2019. It really saddens me to think of how we were then, and how much being able to deal with that sadness of inability via Ritalin and anti-anxiety medication might have made a difference. I'm working hard on being the best me I can be, and using these as a tool is one of the ways. Those medicines are also unlocking my ability to do therapy, and that's the other.

It's true that I love you. Deeply, profoundly, and forever. If you want to know me, I would love to share my life with you as however close a person you want to be, at whatever time feels right for us both. I do miss talking with you in the normal ways, sharing news and talking in ways that aren't full of drama, but are what life, care and love are often made of. If you can't, I understand that. There's so much trauma there, and it's directly related to me.

No matter where you are in the world, no matter who you are with, I will always love you, and always be open to talk with or help you. You are, even as a friend, always someone I adore and always enough. You always were.

I have had many emotions lately, and I still feel a profound regret for the ways in which I have hurt you. I wish that, particularly when you returned, I had been able to believe you wanted me. That I was enough. Ironically, I think that if I'd finally believed it I could have been.

I also want to tell you, in a way that isn't driven by fear or desperation, how much I have loved and been in love with you. I want to tell you now because it's telling you at a time where it isn't driven by fear. You were, to an extent I have never felt before, my world. Enough, and so much more than enough. When I think back I think of the copse and our island, but more than that I think of the moments of joy at being present with everything you are. I remember descending with you down a mountain pass, looking over at your hair back and your smile, and it felt like flying. I wanted to fly with you forever, and for a while I could. I think of your wonder at the deer in the tent, and I think later of lockdown at Lou's, and sitting in the sun drinking in cold drinks and childish F and love. Of the moments where I could hold and soothe you, and the way that felt like love and hope and pride at our dynamic. Feeling you relax when kneeling. So many moments of mutual adoration, and so many moments where we sat in a room or a boat, but we were so bathed in love that the light of that suffused where we were and blotted out the rest of the universe. Together alone and completely each others. An all consuming and passionate love, as glorious as it was. I wish I could have given us and you that forever. You are an amazing person, and I will always value many of the moments and the times that we spent together as the most spectacular and precious things. I hope some of that is true for you too.

I think you'll probably always be the person I have blazed most for, and even now you are the person I love most in the world. I wish you so much happiness and love no matter what you do, and I hope that I can be a part of your life in whatever way feels good for us both. If I can't, please know that you were always amazing, and always loved. You were always enough, and so much more than enough. I'm sorry I was so terrified.