Notes_to_Another

I want to apologize for two oddly specific things, too. When you can't back, I was terrified. I felt so vulnerable, and in ways that I never had. Like I was doing so much to try and make things work and that made it really hard to be vulnerable and to trust you to stay. There were specific times when I said things I didn't want to say because I couldn't say the vulnerable thing though how much I hurt. The two times that were most like that, and I want to explicitly name and apologize for them, w...

I will, I now understand, always love you. I tried hard to hold on to that love as we broke up, and then much later when it was no longer convenient to love you I realised it wasn't even a choice I had. Whatever I have done, and no matter what you think of me now, please try to remember that there were once parts of me you did not despise, and ways in which we shared happinesses, laughs and joys. I keep thinking that you've gone from thinking that I'm not even worth the effort to know or care a...

I have a picture of my watch from when I woke up today. The minute ticked over while I was setting up the photo, but the 0400 moment was approximately one minute early. Today, for the first time, it at least made me laugh that it was so precise. It's an oddly light and amused moment. I miss you, I can't tell you that it made me laugh, but it did. I love you, and someday I hope I can share things with you again. I hope you're having moments of being okay too. With love, Jx ...

My 0400 was at 5 today. It hasn't stopped just for being at home. I turned to look at a blog post to attempt to wait for it to pass before writing. This profoundly helped: https://zenhabits.net/obsess/ It is, ironically given the amount of attention spent on this lately, probably the best advice I've received. ...

It's a change, I suppose. I have slept at 0100, and woken at 0330 rather than 4. It's a strange thing sleeping so little; there's a part of me that is becoming increasingly fatigued, but I always wake now, and I wake and think of you. It isn't pleasant. It's not something that feels kind. I feel a regret and grief, and a quite profound absence. My heart is beating in slight physical pain, it's only 69 BPM but I can feel each throb in my chest. I don't know if today's early waking is the knowled...

For some reason, no matter what time I sleep I seem to always wake up at 04:00. I wake, and I feel your absence. No matter where I am, no matter who I'm with. It's a sharp feeling of loss and sadness, and that never really seems to go until I distract myself by getting up. I profoundly miss you. No matter where you are, I love you. Unconditionally, profoundly, and undyingly. I don't know how to make that stop, and I don't know if it ever will. I know I can't talk to you without hurting you and...

Invictus By William Ernest Henley  Out of the night that covers me,       Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be       For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance       I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance       My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears       Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years       Finds and shall find me unafraid. It matters not ...

It is a strange thing to picture one's own unchosen death. When I think of H my heart hurts, and I can feel the emotional pain with a literal accompanying physical pain as my heart rate rises. I've been diagnosed with an odd ECG result, and I don't know what's happening with that. It would be an amusingly ironic outcome to die of a broken heart. ...

I have finally been medicated with anti-anxiety medicine, and it has enabled me to see a lot of things differently even at an early stage in the therapeutic process. To see, ironically, how much anxiety has often affected my life. My full disclosure is that after you said we'd never talk again - and I finally, finally believed that - I broke, and I broke in a profound enough way that I was eventually hospitalised. I think that crisis has been a long time coming. I have always needed people to b...

I'm slowly improving, and using the time to adjust in an environment where it's it's okay not to be okay. They want me here for about another 2.5 weeks or so, my risk assessments were quite high and for a while I was on 15 minute suicide watch. I would say, in short, that was warranted. I've decided to try hard not to die, though. I went though a period where I thought the only way to not feel like my heart was ripping out was to die, and there's still a massive hole in my life. I'm coming to te...

I have said I won't talk to you again until you ask for that or I'm dead, and I won't. I wanted to talk to you and tell you properly how much I love you in a way that isn't pressured for you before I go. I'm sorry I tried to talk to you so much. Each time maybe it was the last time we'd ever talk and maybe it wasn't so I never really got to say goodbye and tell you I love you properly in a way that isn't pressured for you. Every time I talked I knew that might be it, but I also knew that it migh...

I woke in a temporary room in a temporary ward. I had paced the ward that day, looking at ways to die. The unguarded sockets. The windows that opened only so far, reinforced sides locked with an security lock star key that would require a specific hardware shop purchase. But it would be possible. Waves of this thought have sloshed around my mind, and I can feel myself sinking further and further info them. I drugged myself to sleep much earlier. I was surprised, it was only supposed to be a str...

Absolution. I think that's what I've always wanted, right from when I was young. That was always the allure of the heroic death. Not so much the medal. Not even slightly the medal. Just that those who saw you and those who knew you could believe that you did well. Could forgive you for what you have done. What you have been. I've hurt myself and so many people, and the ones I loved most of all. The people closest to me, even. It was never the person I wanted to be, never the legacy I wanted to ...

I lie awake and think of you, and the empty years and decades ahead without you. They do feel dead. I think you are the only person who has ever really made me feel things, and now the island is isolated and more of a prison. Dark and lonely. I feel myself looking at the waters, and wondering what it will take to drown. I am sad, but that isn't really enough to say what I need to. I adore you, and you are my only real family. I'm going to die, I think. I don't know when and I don't know where, ...