April 8, 2023•480 words
I want to apologize for two oddly specific things, too. When you can't back, I was terrified. I felt so vulnerable, and in ways that I never had. Like I was doing so much to try and make things work and that made it really hard to be vulnerable and to trust you to stay. There were specific times when I said things I didn't want to say because I couldn't say the vulnerable thing though how much I hurt. The two times that were most like that, and I want to explicitly name and apologize for them, was the time when you asked me if the fantasy had always been to have a whore I didn't have to care about. I said yes to distance myself from the pain of what I wanted and how ugly things had become. I didn't want that, not really. I wanted to be loved and desired, and I feared you did not love or desire me. I see in your eyes that it hurt you, and I'm sorry for that. Really sorry, you deserved more. The second time is similar in a way. You told me that you hoped I was surrounded by people who adored me and I scoffed at that because I couldn't, in the moment, deal with the sheer vulnerability of the thought that I had. The thing I couldn't say was that all I wanted was you, and that other people and things felt irrelevant in comparison. That has, for better and arguably now for worse, always been true. I see the sheer level of courage in you saying that and loving me in that moment, and it was that which made me miss you so much it was emotionally and physically overwhelming. I'm so sorry I couldn't say that.
I love you, and loving you most has looked like leaving you alone so I have. I hope that isn't always true, and that at least one day you will read this. You are, in so far as I can imagine, likely to be the love of my life. I hope, in so many ways, that I am not the love of yours. I hope that the loves you have and the life you lead is vibrant with colour and affection and possibility, and that you blaze through it being as amazing as I have always thought you were. You deserve so much joy, and joy was always the best of us. To know you was a privilege and would be again, if it's impossible to know you then I would like, if possible, to know the story of your life in however little specific detail you feel to be safe. If not that, just know that wherever you are and whatever you do, I will always desire your happiness and that you are surrounded with love.