Reflections of 2024: Part 3

On to part 3 of 2024 Reflections. Notice that there is no part 2. This is because that is where I rant about the state of modern university education, which contains controversial opinions that could get me into trouble since my identity is not a secret. Hence that post is posted elsewhere and in private.

Finding meaning in a complex world

It is probably not a mid-life crisis, but I am going through a phase where I am questioning: What is the point of life? I don't think it is a crisis because things aren't that shitty, but it feels more like a natural part of a modern existence where an individual is past a good chunk of their life, has done some shit, is looking back and looking forwards and wondering whether there is any meaning to all of this.

This is a question that has bothered several people. It is of course a key question in philosophy--what defines a good, meaningful life? What is true happiness? My partner told me that Aristotle's answer was this state occurs when a human has achieved their fullest potential (paraphrasing a lot).

OK, sounds reasonable as a first hypothesis. But there are gaps. Like, what is "potential"? How do you know when it has been achieved?

Is this even possible in a modern society where people do bullshit jobs just to have money to not starve? Where managers care more about the performance of work rather than what is actually produced? Where metric chasing and growth at all costs are the driving goals of the company/industry/university/workplace that you have devoted most of your life to?

Whether it is at a conscious or unconscious level, we know that our lives are wasted by corporations and institutions that do not care about our individuality, our goals, our dreams, and our souls. Modern society is so multi-layered that our actions have little direct consequences individually, even though collectively we are ruining our environment and accelerating climate change and waging senseless wars on each other. We know this, and this knowledge fucks with our psyche. We don't want to do bullshit stupid unmeaningful things (like me spending hours in the HR system trying to file a claim for conference travel). But we have to, because we as ubranized humans can't survive otherwise.

This to me is the irony of modern living. It is supposed to be a golden era of possibility, wealth, and freedom. But it is a prison. Despite our need to find fulfillment in our lives, the modern world seems to offer little respite or opportunity to do so. Social media leeches on our limited attentional capacities. Our jobs are performative and soul-less. Our governments do not care for its people or the environment. I feel trapped in a system that I did not choose. Somehow, even though I do not know what my "potential" is, I know for sure that it is not being achieved.

Perfect days

On our recent trip to New York, my partner and I watched the film by Wim Wenders "Perfect Days". We were both very taken by that movie for several reasons.

It made me think about what my perfect day would look like. For anyone who knows me even moderately well, you could probably guess what it would look like.

My perfect day would consist of:

• a good nice long session at an excellent climbing gym with thoughtful routesetting (with no other climbers around)
• probably throw in a moonboard session too
• waking up when I feel like it
• my usual breakfast of coffee, sourdough bread with olive oil, soft boiled egg and cheese and fruits
• steak and beer for dinner
• conversations with my partner, any amount of time spent with him
• reading a book, for a long time, then falling asleep

Just as important, my perfect day would NOT consist of the following:

• emails
• other people (sorry, I am just an introvert)
• doing things for other people

It is a selfish wish, I know. The perfect day I want revolves around me and what I like to do. And you know what, it doesn't exist. In the movie, many days of the protagonist aren't perfect from his perspective. But he deals with the imperfections with grace and humor.

I am reminded of a podcast that I listened to several weeks ago. It is the epic NYT Modern Love podcast with Andrew Garfield. The essay that he reads deeply resonated with me, and I would suggest having a listen to it yourself. The gist of the essay is about the constraints of modern life, where decisions made by yourself narrows the range of experiences that you will have, and also the pain of inevitable loss, because people you love will grow old and die. What to do in the face of these tragedies? With one type (death) being inevitable, and the other being my present experience of being trapped in a societal system that is manipulative and toxic?

The punchline of that essay, and possibly the solution to my current state, is to be the best prisoner that you can be. It is to accept the imperfections of your otherwise perfect day. It is to acknowledge that decisions that you have made, and will make, will necessarily reduce the available paths you can access in the future, inadvertently imprisoning you. On the flip side, what you make of these limited options is also your own choice and ultimately reflects one's true character. There is always the possibility of ownership of the experience within the imprisonment.

For instance, I am married to my soulmate, who is Australian. This means we have two families in two different countries, and my vacation time is devoted to time in Australia, as opposed to time for a real vacation elsewhere or to actually write research papers (I only have time to conduct research when I am not teaching). But. I chose him. I choose to spend my life with him. This decision has implications, and I will accept them because I wouldn't have made any other decision.

Another example to drive home the point. I chose to be an academic. In this case, I sincerely wished I had chosen something else as my career (see part 1 of the reflections)., because I don't consider myself a good researcher and educator and understand very well that I am simply playing the game to get tenure. But, this decision has closed off certain paths in my life. And I cannot reverse this decision. My job as an assistant professor at a university has been immensely frustrating and 2024 has been an especially crazy year that I had honestly considered simply giving it all up because I was so despondent about academia. At the end of the day, I need to accept my prior decisions as a young immature adult. I can do this while being all rage-y and angsty and shit, or I can do this with grace and dignity and maturity and look for the rare opportunities that give me hope and happiness and, maybe, a glimpse into the fulfillment of my human potential.

Looking ahead to 2025: I want to be the perfect prisoner of my life. I accept that I have a job that is unfulfilling, that I am an urbanized modern human trapped in an unjust society run by a powerful few, and that people that I care about will die and disappear from my life. It will suck. It has sucked. But I choose meaning in the imprisonment of modern living. I seek to develop fulfillment in some aspect of my life, while also knowing that it is not something that just comes along because I demand it, but that I need to work towards deserving to experience that fulfillment through commitment and focus. Climbing is a possible avenue to explore for this. Hopefully I get there eventually.

"I used to think such lost opportunities were beautiful towns flashing by my train windows, but now I imagine they are lanterns from the past, casting light on what's ahead."