Wednesday, August 16, 2023

I have the interesting power of waking up right as a drop of blood from my nose forms and being entirely lucid while it falls across my cheek. Sometimes, I am successful in catching that droplet before it touches my pillow. Today was one of those days.

It always takes me a couple of seconds to register that the little wet streak is blood. I opened my eyes this morning to see blood over the back of my hands, along with an unfortunate stain on my shirt sleeve. I checked my pillow and the surrounding bedding for blood, as I always do. There was none. I thanked my body for this waking-up-and-catching-nosebleed-blood reflex. I then lamented the fact that I had a nosebleed.

I checked the time: 9:30, way too early to get up and deal with the dot of blood on my shirt sleeve. I booted up Honkai Impact 3rd, hoping to do one more story stage (the story is dreadfully long, it takes about half an hour for a single stage). The moment I opened up the story tab, my dad yelled at me outside of my door, telling me to stop playing games on my phone (bruh, I just started) and to go grocery shopping with him.

Now, I'm back from the grocery trip. I was originally going to wear a nice H&M sweater outside, but my dad told me that it was over a hundred degrees outside. On most occasions, I would never surrender my choice of clothing to the heat, but today was one of the days where I took the metaphorical L and put on my Jane Street T-shirt. In hindsight, I could've totally worn the oversized sweater and gotten away with just a little bit of sweat.

The sweater has brown and creamy white stripes. It looked like it was made out of wool, but if you touched it, you could feel the plastic quality of it. It's a shame that all the nice looking clothes that I want and have are made out of plastic. Something something consumerism something something fast fashion.

The actual reason I didn't wear the sweater was because, on this day, when I looked at myself wearing the sweater in the mirror, I thought it made my shoulders look big. I've always thought that my shoulders looked quite broad, and I've always wished that I could have little petite girl shoulders. I've confided this insecurity with a handful of people, and they've all told me that they didn't find my shoulders wide-looking. (as they all say).

I've always wanted to wear cute things and look cute, but I've been too insecure about how I look in cute things. That's why I always end up wearing a hoodie and black pants. Those were my safety clothes. Occasionally, I thought I looked good in those clothes. Looking good in clothes makes me feel more self-confident and generally better about myself.

That's all I have to say so far. I think I should write about giving less shits about how I look and stuff. That'll be in the future. I was thinking of a blog titled "I want to wear my heart on my sleeve."

Hmm, perhaps I should write more updates. I've been working on writing bigger posts in the previous days, but this morning, I thought what happened was rather poetic and I started writing. There are some problems with posting daily updates, the biggest being that I like writing in the morning and not much usually happens in the morning. My nights are usually taken up by gaming, getting ready for bed, getting into bed, phone gaming, passing out. I'm not really in a mood to write (I'm in a mood to game).

I think I'm going to post occasional updates when I feel like it. Let's go spontaneity (boy that's a hard word to spell).

/#100Days: 4/100