Update: Birthday

Yes, I know, I didn't update in the past weekend. I was so caught up with the quiz that I have to take on my birthday today that I just didn't give myself the time to study for it. Couple that with some questionable late night decisions meant no time in the morning for me to sit down with some kind of warm beverage and sit in my feelings.

Let me tell you, I have sat in my feelings over the last week. I have sat in them and I have not put them here because I realize that people who know me read this. Sometimes, I regret putting the link to my blog on my socials, because my guise of anonymity is now gone. My friends a while back told me that I was bold for writing about doing certain illegal activities on a blog with my name on it. Eh. It's a choice that I made and I'll take responsibility for whatever punishments come with it. Advertising my blog to my friends is also a choice that I made, and there's no taking it back now.

Very vaguely, I've been thinking about interpersonal relationships. In high school, I put in pretty much the bare minimum effort into making friends. I talked to people when it was convenient to talk to people during certain classes, where it was more convenient to talk to people. I was in a relationship, so I sat with my boyfriend and listened to him talk to his friends, who are people I don't have too many commonalities with. Well, it was mainly his close friends who I didn't really connect with. Anyways, because I was in a relationship, the only form of interaction I needed came from my boyfriend and the randos that I was in a Valorant match with. (As a female playing the game, one meets many interesting people.)

Again, it wasn't like I was completely devoid of human interactions. I chatted with my classmates and coworkers and other people in my orchestra. There were people who I would stop and talk to if I saw them in the halls, but these are all passive forms of communication. I wasn't actively seeking people out and talking to them. I've recognized this for a while, and I've been making efforts to make friends. It's just not paying off as much as I would like it to. Maybe that's me being "spoiled" from romantic interactions. It's probably a case of delayed gratification.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't like this weekly commitment to writing a blog post. It doesn't feel spontaneous, and I feel like I just write whatever to satisfy the quota, but does it satisfy me? No. I've had people compliment my writing, but I think it's kind of bad. I sometimes get ideas for things to write about, but I just don't have the time at that moment to write. Or maybe it's because I don't want to. I would like that to change.

Anyways, I celebrated my birthday with my neighbor who coincidentally also shares my birthday. We had cake. I socialized. It was nice. It definitely lifted my mood from the quiz.

I'll chalk up my poor performance on the algebra test today to being bad at test taking. I mean, I've never done well in math competitions in general. It's kind of disheartening because this ability feels a lot more innate than the ability to understand, but maybe I only think that because I'm bad at it. I guess all I can do is more problems. Yeah, I don't really know what to do about this.

I shut myself into my room for a moment and hyperventilated after that test. Something about everyone disliking me and thinking I'm stupid along with a bad, annoying person. But then someone knocked on my door to give me a birthday present and so I pulled myself together and forced myself out of my room. I then laughed over a scene from The Marriage of Figaro that I had to watch for my western music class and I felt better. Funny how fickle emotions are. I should keep that in mind. It's hard to keep that in mind.

Hey, in the end, these rushed posts makes for a good read. When I do read them. Sometime in the future.