I have quite a bad memory

Note: I can guarantee that all the quotes in this post (and in all posts in general) are not correct. I don't remember exactly what these people said, only the sentiment that they were trying to convey. Or at least, the sentiment that I believe they were trying to convey.

It's so funny that in the previous post, I wrote that I am spontaneous and on the same day my friends tell me that I'm the least spontaneous person that they know. Or at least, in their words, "You would be the first person I think of to say no to something." It was like a scene in a comic or manga where the speech bubble pierces through the heart of the character it describes. I mean, it hurt because it's true. I'm not as spontaneous as the rest of my friends, I suppose. This touches on a thread that I'm not going to unravel in this post.

"Everything is good in some reference frame." My reference frame for spontaneity is so shot in the ground that I think where I am right now is too spontaneous. I suppose. I feel like I have plenty of "fuck it, I'm down" moments, but I suppose not. This quote was said in reference to Caesar salad, but it's generally applicable. I wonder about reference frames sometimes. Actually no, I wonder about reference frames all the time. I worry that my reference frame is too different from everyone else's. Or at least, most other people. The things that I think are okay feel like they're not supposed to be. I feel like I'm saying that I would do morally good things when I won't, or that everything that I do that is, at least on the outside, something a "good person" would do is deceitful. Moral imposter syndrome.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." But morality is based on interactions with other people. Good and evil come as a dichotomy. Something something something. I haven't thought much about it, so I won't say much about it. I won't think much about it, either, in the future, because I'm afraid of being wrong. I mean, that's the crux of it, and the reason why so many of my ideas are half-baked, and the reason why I refuse to have a stance on political and moral stuff.

It's funny, because I think I said somewhere that this was supposed to be a place for me to be vulnerable. Part of being vulnerable is being okay with being wrong. It's not that I'm not okay with being wrong, it's more like it feels so bad to have other people judge me for being wrong. I'm not saying that they actually judge me, but rather that they look like they're judging me. I mean, there's probably a seed of truth in my observations of people's body language and expressions when I say something wrong. They look like they think that I'm a fool that pulls shit out of my ass. I probably appear that way, too. I don't really think about what I say, especially in situations where I feel like I'm being judged.

I just forget my thoughts the moment I have them. I turn into a little language model who just chains together words based on past experience, not really thinking about what's happening. You'd have to prompt me to give chain of reasoning thought, and most notably give me pen and paper, to get me to think. I have quite a bad memory.

It's so much so that I wonder if mathematics is even for me. Math is the king of reason, the closest that one will ever get to truth, and other self-important statements. I seem to be dwelling in the land of the vague and the uncertain. All my understanding of math comes from intuition built up from experience. I need to work through a couple examples first before I understand what's going on. I don't understand new topics instantly like some people do, or at least some people seem to do.

There's a fallacy about drawing conclusions from examples that you can see. Jumping to conclusions, or hasty generalization, or whatever. I try my best to sample from a wide variety of cases, and I make conjectures based on that. I suppose that he was referring to assuming something's true because you can't find counterexamples. Yes, I see that that's a fallacy in mathematical proofwriting, but I don't know how to "prove" anything outside of mathematics.

I need examples to learn. I didn't know how one proved anything in math either, until I had ample examples from other people about how to write proofs. I remember looking back at the first proofs that I wrote and they were horrendous. I don't really know what happened, but a year later, my writing was a lot clearer. I still think that it's pretty bad right now. In fact, I feel like they've degraded in quality. Over this last summer, I could feel my ability to think logically fade away. I just feel like I vaguely understand things now, and let my intuition speak for everything.

Ah, but this truly is a topic for another time. It's another can of worms that I don't want to open right now. Well, maybe I should, because it's on my mind so much that I'm writing about it right now. I think there are maybe three things that has been on my mind a lot for a while, and that would be control (feeling in control, losing control, self control), perception (mostly how other people see me, and also how I understand what I see in other people), and math (or, how one should be learning mathematics).

I suppose it's good that I'm writing it here, so I'll return to these ideas in the future. I have quite a bad memory, you see, and on good days, I can just forget all of my worries.

We'll see where next week takes me. I would like to write something a bit more light-hearted.